The funeral

We have said our goodbyes, now it's time to carry the coffin outside. 

goodbye grandma

The funeral was on Friday the 22nd, on Saturday I took D to his dad and in the evening we had a few thunderstorms passing over. When my dad died in August 2002 the sun just kept shining like nothing had happened - now the weather showed more respect, I thought it was approriate with thunder, rain and lightning. I also thought I'd be uncomfortable to be alone at home, but I wasn't. It felt good to light a lot of candles and watch and listen to the storm outside. 

At peace

This is the nicest photo taken of my mother - I found it in her cousin's album the last time we visited her and I asked to borrow it now. My mother's burial was yesterday. It's strange, both my parents were born in November, but both chose to leave during really hot periods (well, perhaps the heat was part of the reason...), my father at the beginning of August 2002 and my mother in mid-July. And both had really hot burial days. We picked her body up at the ward and followed the hearse (? the car with the coffin) to Jeppo, stopping at our house for a while before continuing to the church. The memorial service was held afterwards at home, I wanted it to be personal and feel the comfort of my own home, which of course also was her home. I had also invited a relative with younger children and D had someone to play with. Here at home nothing was planned and was more relaxed, but I felt it was about my mother, people who cared for her and knew her, were together, the service in the church was more about religion in general, not my mother.

Today I took D to his father and have finally had time for myself. On the way home I went for a swim and have just enjoyed being able to light candles and lie on the sofa, remembering things. Unfortunately there is thunder threatening all the time, so I think I'll have to switch off the computer soon again (one thunderstorm already passed a few hours ago...).

Tomorrow I'll drive to Pietarsaari,, to the sea, to spend three days at qigongcamp. It'll be lovely to be able to relax and let it all sink in, and to also fill up with energy and also start thinking about the future.
Last night D said: "I want to die".  Not something you want to hear from you five-year-old, so I asked why? He then said: so I can be with grandma again.

 My mother is at peace, and so am I. I'm certain she'll come to visit us in our dreams. 

 

16.7

One of the last time my mother looked at her dearly beloved grandson.

Today she passed away. I was holding her hands when her breathing started to  become more and more shallow and slow until it finally stopped altogether. Without much drama, the way she had lived most of her life. It was a relief, since she had been very uncomfortable and in pain for weeks. Now the pains are gone, she is at peace. She will be missed.

June

It feels like June was filled to the brim with activities - we have had quite a few guests, in the middle of that  our oilburner was replaced by a new system...don't know the name in English,  a hole was drilled 170 meters down in the winter and the pipes and a new "burner" was installed now. Should be clean and cheaper in the long run than the oil. Then I've had some work with reguees and also tried to maintain contact with my previous refugee"clients" - and of course at the bottom has all the time laid the worry about my mother (see post below). D also has had a bad reaction to grass (or something outside...tests will be made in autumn) and has slept badly for many nights due to blocked nose - and of course I have slept badly then as well. We have had two heatwaves, with temperatures just below 30 degrees, which is really unusual in June. We have swam at the sandpit many, many times already - feels almost like autumn, because the period of heat normally comes (IF it comes) at the end of July! But I guess we're worth this after the long and cold winter - but mosquitoes and other bloodsuckers are also very active this summer :(.

Here a short recap of June in photos (son is now four days at his dads, so I have finally peace and quiet to just do "unnecessary things" like this :), he went on summerholiday from daycare in midJune). If you click on the photos, you'll be able to see them in even bigger format.

 We've had a field of clover at the other side of the house - practical for me, have picked everyday for the rabbits - one day we had a short picnic there after I picked D up from daycare :).

Fun in the water :). This year it's also easier to go for a swim with D, he can amuse himself in the water without me  and we've been lucky - almost always there has been friends of his at the sandpit. 

A came to help me with things I needed an extra pair of hands with - for  instance building  a new, bigger sandbox for D.

8th of June I took part in "Nice Run", a non-competitive event for women. A group (originally mums with small children) from Jeppo took part. I walked the five ks :). Hot but fun - everyone also got a medal and hug when finishing :).

 

Love that beachbum :)

The digging was done in a few hours, but then there was a pause before the work inside began. In the end the oiltank was taken out and voilà, I had a new room :) (will be a room for muddy shoes etc). Now I also have my own helper with chores at home :).

"sports-season" also has begun on Mondays, games and a bit of athletics for the children. Great , especially for me. D has been complaining about the lack of a playmate at home, "why can't x move in" etc and he would like me to get him a little brother......on Monday nights he can run around with his friends and I can sit and chat with other parents :). 

Before and after picking A up at the airport in Vaasa, I visited a friend at their summercottage - is there anything more relaxing than to sit by the sea with your feet in the water :)?

On the 11th A arrived from Italy, where she had been an exchange student for five months. But she is originally from Michigan - and I'm second cousin to her grandmother :). They say we look alike! Such a nice 16-year old, I really enjoyed having her as a guest for three days, before she went on tour to relatives and friends. 

Already last summer D's eye swelled up a few times, but we only needed to wash hands and eyes, but this year I had to get eyedrops for him, and when the nose also got blocked, went to the doctor. The medicine didn't help and he started getting a temperature, so I stopped giving him it. I'm planning to take him to a homeopath in the autumn, when we've found out what exactly he is allergic to. 

For some reason these photos decided they belong together...I've tried to move them, but don't succeed....

Left one is from A's first night in Finland - she got to try sauna and swimming at 11 pm :). Next evening she had a chance to play folkmusic with a few of "Jepokryddona" - a group that tours with traditional folkmusic from the area. I was so glad I had a chance to hear top live music - was reminded of the fact that music has been lacking in my life for years. So in a few weeks I'll go hear the magic flute in Kokkola (know someone who will be singing there :).

Went around seeing the few sights there are to see here in the area, the sea with cliffs in Pietarsaari  and here  Uusikaarlepyy (watertower far in the background, café at the top, where we started off).

 "swing-duty" awaited her :) when she got back after a week. 

We tried to celebrate "real" midsummer, on the 21st - unfortunately the weather didn't cooperate, but we had a tiny bonfire in the garden, before rain and mosquitoes forced us inside.

At midsummerweekend I was home alone - needed to rest after all the activites and  "renovation" which went on for nearly two weeks. 

At the beginning of this week I had a friend from Tampere over for 24 hours, on Wednesday a friend with daughter arrived from Helsinki. Midday I got a surprise guest - a couchsurfer from Poland, who had requested a couch a few months earlier, but since I hadn't heard anything more from him, thought he wouldn't come...good thing we have a big house, but I had preferred a bit of notice from him...

Thursday A, her daughter, me and D went to the amusment park :), fun, but very, very hot....

We've had a few rabbitescapes during the month, but  now I have a good door into the enclosure (had my cousin here for a few weeks doing woodwork etc), and now we can socialize with them more easily. 

My favorite: Olga (ex Oscar, but at the vets the mistake was revealed - she actually had one rabbitbaby, but it died)

Olga has had a hard time with mosquitoes and also the other rabbits - when  she and Leo was put together with the other three (parents and sister.....), there were lots of fighting before things calmed down. 

So....can't complain that it would've been boring. Last night I went for dinner with a "salsa-friend" from Helsinki. She is rehearsing an opera in Kokkola, where D's dad lives. Was nice to meet someone from my life in Helsinki - and a good start to this miniholiday for me - which I'm planning to mostly spend in the garden, and hopefully write a column. It's really hard to get enough peace and quiet to write when D is at home. Summer has just begun and so much has already happened :)  hope you all have a good one as well!

Changes

 I'm sorry for not having written, it's been a crazy month, with lots of things happening. At the back of it all has been my mother's deteriorating health. After she stayed home for four nights we both decided that she had to go back to the ward. I was getting too tired and I had to start doing other things than tend to her all the time. She was also feeling insecure with just one person helping her get up. Since then she has been back at the ward.

Last week I tried bringing her home for the day - she came with an "invalid taxi", she could be rolled in and out of the car the wheelchair. A few hours went well, we had relatives visiting and she really enjoyed reminiscing about relatives and old times, but when she became tired and wanted to sleep, she couldn't. At the ward she has extra oxygen most of the time and she started feeling she didn't get enough air. She was really tired when the taxi finally came to bring her back. The day after they called from the ward and said she could get a "portable" oxygenbox with her the next time, but when I went to see her yesterday she was really in bad shape. Tired and having constantly problems with her stomach. She really wishes herself to be able to die, she is frustrated and in pain most of the time.

Visiting her at the ward - our American relative A was visiting us at the time (sitting in grandm's wheelchair)

Nightly account

On Monday I brought home my mother. She has been getting weaker and weaker. When my dad died in 2002 it came as a shock - he had been getting weaker and weaker, but since I then lived in Helsinki and didn't see him so often, I didn't really think about it, or the fact that at one point a person cannot get any weaker. Now I'm trying to be realistic, but it's hard, on the one hand I'm thinking "while there is life, there is hope" and don't want to be pessimistic, on the other hand my mother has a really sick heart, which has lasted amazingly long. She should've had an operation ages ago, but now it's too late. Since she wanted to come home as well, I thought I should do it now. I don't have so much work apart from writing, so I can take care of her. It's hard to even get her into the wheelchair from bed, her legs don't work very well any more either. Her breathing is heavy, but I'll try to keep her here as long as she wants it herself. At home on Monday night she teary-eyed said she so much wanted to get more time - to see D grow up. But I think we have to be grateful she got two more years - at the beginning of 2009 it really looked like she was going to leave us. She spent three months in hospital/the geriatric ward then, was unconscious for a week, but still made it back to life.

The first night at home now was bad, she had pains and couldn't sleep. Of course I had forgotten to bring her "nitro" tablets (to put under the tongue) next to her bed. So she had to ring for me - we have a doorbell by her bed and it rings upstairs where I sleep. I dread this sound because I never know what to find when I go down. Last time I found her sitting on the floor by her bed (that was about a month ago), last night I just needed to get her a pill. Up in bed I had a hard time falling asleep again. Suddenly I heard a loud bird noise - I was wondering if a flock had settled on the roof and got up to have a look (it was then about four o'clock am). Then it sounded like it came from downstairs! I rushed down to see - Fia, the cat, had brought in a "welcome-gift" to my mother, a young starling. It was a tough one, screaming and slipping out of my hands when I tried to catch it (I had thrown out the cats before that). Finally I managed to catch it and outside it actually managed to fly away - Fia made a huge jump to catch it, but was luckily about 30 centimeters away from the beginner at flying (took it some time to get air under its wings and go higher!). After that I soon fell asleep, thank God. Today my mother has been able to take naps and was looking a bit better towards the evening. I also gave her a bit of reiki - have to do what I can.

I actually felt rather energetic during the day. During the weekend when I was alone, I spent most of my time in bed with the newest Dan Brown. It was raining outside and I simply didn't want to do anything useful...but I read until four at night on Saturday, which wasn't so smart....I wonder if that has now set the pace for my nights, because at one thirty tonight I woke up. I wasn't sure if I had heard the bell, so I went down just in case and as far as I could see, my mother was sound asleep. After that I still couldn't sleep. After tossing and turning for almost three hours, I had to get up. There are so many things up in the air right now as well. Now I'm more tied to the house again and have to get "homeservice" for my mother if I'm away for a longer time (kind of nurses that check in if needed, is subsidized by the town, so it isn't very expensive, but I'm glad I haven't needed much of their services, since it takes a lot of planning). At the same time I don't know how long she is going to be home, or if she is even going to live for long. My cousin from south of Finland is planning to come and see her, just in case. I had planned to go see two of my teenage refugee boys in May (20/25 kms away), when my other jobs were done, but then I got the flu, and now I'm just too occupied with my mother. but I feel I should pay them some attention as well :(. There isn't anything special that needs to be done, but I should see them every now and then. The problem is that because of their school and hobbies, it should be in the evening and then I'm usually too tired. I prefer to do my work during the daytime...

I have signed up to be a "friend-family" (volunteer) for a refugee family from Afghanistan (has live in Iran for the past years), which arrives in Uusikaarlepyy (the town we belong to) on Friday. If my mother still is home then, I need to get homeservice to help her into bed in the evening. Then there are all the graduates on Saturday - who to "celebrate", who not to....I don't have any relatives graduating this year (from senior high school, big event), but a few of friend's children, who I'd like to bring a flower (or money, which I think is preferred :) on Saturday, when they have their receptions at home. But to be honest - Saturday feels like a long way away right now, when we are trying to take a day at a time. And how I'll get through tomorrow (today) with three hours of sleep....have to go and see if I can't get at least a few hours more. Fingers crossed!! 

The garden etc

It's amazing how much things change in a month!!!

Because of the flu, I haven't been able to do much in the garden, even if it has been the highseason for that kind of work. Everything is exploding to life - I'm still amazed how fast everything happens. After the loads of snow we had, I thought it won't melt until June - and now it's almost summer! On Saturday I finally felt the flu was gone, but I had already promised D we'd go see a movie - Rio (great in 3 D :). Unfortunately it was in the daytime, but we went shopping for new shoes for D and visited grandma at the same time. But on Sunday we had all day in the garden :):) - D mostly lay in the swing down left in the lower photo, while I was trying to do all at once :). The "metal"roof on the rabbits' cage had blown off into the dry bushes - those are now gone. I think the garden looks at its greatest right now - filled with tulips and spring flowers and the weeds haven't taken over yet (which they unfortunatley do every summer :(. Unfortunately I seem to have a tear in the dam - the water just sips out in three days (about one forth stays at the bottom), I don't know what to do, don't have the energy to do anything about it. Last spring was the same, but then suddenly the water stayed - I'm hoping for that same miracle now as well.

I was lucky not to have very much work while I was ill, even if I constantly feel I should be writing my own texts when I'm at home, but my head simply wasn't clear enough. Now I'll have work with one of the refugee children, a few really important meetings in the next few weeks - and I really hope to get around to writing as well.

My mother is still in the geriatric ward and I'm slowly accepting the fact that she might not be able to live at home anymore, her body is too weak, she needs constantly help to get out of bed. Right now her heart is again working badly - her ancles are swollen (and fluid gets into the lungs as well) and she has gotten intense medication over the weekend to get rid of it. Now we'll have to see for a few days if her heart can cope on its own, if yes, I'll try to bring her home.

It's hard to adjust - I'm both afraid and relieved, all in a bundle. Economically it'll be harder to be solely responsible for all the costs connected to a detached house. I'm sad for both my mother and my son, who I'd really like to give more time together - it's not the same to go see grandma in a room with three other old ladies and neither for her. Of course, we might be able to take her home for the day every now and then, but it'll be strange to have her only as a visitor. At the same time I'm relieved - I have much more freedom when I don't need to take her needs every day into consideration - D and I can eat elsewhere, go for an excursion quite ex tempore, I can focus on him. My role has been to care for my mother since 2003 when I moved home (but not until 2009 more extensively) - I'll lose a bit of my identity if she isn't at home anymore!