Sea, Stockholm, Helsinki, garden :)

 On the 12th of August we finally could start off on our little miniholidaytour to Stockholm and Helsinki. I had originally planned to go in June, but couldn't find anyone to join me and since my mother was getting worse, I felt it was better I stayed in the area. But now the time and company was right. In the picture we are at the railwaystation, D in front and his friend W next to me. We took the train to Helsinki, had some time to visit a playground, before heading for the boat. It was so great to be two moms - we could take turns being with the kids.

(again can't get the photos and texts like I want them to and don't want to waste time struggling with it...!)

D was terrified at first to walk up to deck - the cruiseships between Finland and Sweden are really big. It was lovely to stand on deck and look at my old hometown Helsinki (well, lived there for six years, and from the schoolwindows, where I then worked, I could see these boats coming in and going out, so it was just next door to the harbour!). 

My friend L with the boys

(If you click on the collage, you'll be able to see it in slightly bigger format)
In Stockholm me and the boys went to "Junibacken" (while  L saw a friend) - a kind of  house for games etc and a storytrain, where you could sit and be guided through many of the stories the Swedish storyteller Astrid Lindgren had created. The place was packed with people - we spent three hours there, so it was actually quite hard work to keep track of two eager boys among all the people. But they had a great time and afterwards L took them to the Aquarium and I had some time for myself in town. On the ferry there was plenty to do for the boys... First night I went to bed at the same time with the boys and Linda went dancing, second night it was my turn to go and have some fun. And indeed I had - my goal was to at least talk to man, and that goal was reached ;).

In Helsinki my friend met us in the harbour and we spent three more nights at different friends' places. It was perfect - the boat was mostly for the kids and there were timetables, tickets, meals etc to keep track of, but in Helsinki me and D were taken care of, picked up, fed etc :). Then I could relax and it was so great to see friends again. 

And this is what Saturday evening on the boat led to...not one, but two glasses of bubbly in the sun yesterday here at home :) :). Too early to tell more, but suffice it to say I feel really amazed and happy at the moment! It is like I've stepped back into the current of life, with all its risks, but also heightened sense of being alive! Next week we'll see if I can switch on workmode as well.....

July activities

Two days after the funeral I went to qigongcamp in Pietarsaari by the sea. Finally a chance to relax, let it all sink in and hopefully become more energetic. This was the seventh camp for me. I chose not to take part when my son was only a few months old and only took part in the daytime for two years when he was a baby. but it has for a long time been the place where I feel I can reload my batteries for the long winter. This year was no exception, but I was if possible even more tired than the previous years. During camp we trained from seven in the morning until ten at night (with food in between of course :), and I took a lot of time for myself to just try to sleep on the beach. On the second day old "traumas" rose to the surface and since I broke down in a group situation, I felt so terrible I actually thought about going home. But I guess sometime you have to let your ghosts rises to the surface and hopefully disappear for good. I didn't feel as "high" as before during camp, but when I drove home I noticed the effect was there - I felt so positive and in love with what I have. 

In the evening my dear friend K came to spend a few days with me. I was really glad to have someone to just sit and talk to. 

On Thursdays we had mutual friends over for lunch. 

On Frieday when she left we managed to squeeze in a visit to the creation of an artist. I love this place!

During the weekend I needed time for myself to remove the traces of the funeral and  make our home more into  our home again. On Monday a family from Sweden we met during our holiday in Turkey came to visit! It's funny the way things go - I had been worried about feeling lonely on a charter holiday with my son among "happy families", but instead D easily made friends with other children and made it easier for me as well to connect with their parents. This was the first time we actually managed to have a small bonfire in the garden and do the traditional sausage-grilling :).

D was so pleased to have a friend to play with for a few days - and I was happy about the company and  something to remind him of when he complains he doesn't have siblings - he wasn't happy the first day when O didn't want to do things exactly as he wanted to :). 

 The day after they left I had work with refugees - and again bad news. A young boy found out his family won't get permission to join him in Finland. It really drained me, I had of course hoped for a positive decision. I was so happy to be able to take D to his dad on Friday and have the weekend for myself. I really don't feel ready to handle "heavy matters" at work, nor the never ending stream of bad news that is washing over me. So many deaths, so many serious illnesses.

When I think back to the past ten years, there have been so many serious changes: beginning with my failed marriage and the divorce, my dad dying, the move and new beginning here at home, learning to work on freelance-basis with various new things, the birth of my son and being a single mother, taking care of my ailing mother (but also having her support and company) and now her death. So many deaths of my mother's friends and relatives, neighbours, my aunt. Dealing with the fact that now I really have to make it on my own - which right now is a scary thought, since things will have to change. I will need more work, since my job of taking care of my mother (which I was also paid a bit  for by the town) is gone. I had also built up our lives around the three of us, now I feel so bad for my son, the house will be so empty with just the two of us. I really hope I'll get my act together and be able to focus on him and come up with activities that'll make both of us happy.

 Next week D will be in daycare everyday, except Friday. It'll give me peace and quiet to start organizing things, both financial and my mothers clothes etc; dig into the negative decision by the immigration authorities and try to get my life back on some sort of a track. I guess this weekend is about just feeling sad, tired and hopeless - I really hope it'll be enough with one weekend, I'm scared about the lack of optimism I'm feeling right now. Normally I can always detect a sparkle deep inside, but right now I'm just low. I had hoped for a rainy weekend and that is just what I got, but now the sun is coming out and in the evening D comes home. Maybe I've managed to crawl out of my pit until that, think I'll try with some fresh air-therapy, I think that'll do my a lot of good right now. And maybe I'll manage to get into the "one-day-at-a -time" mood, that's all we can do and (oh, there is a bit of optimism after all :) - there is one positive things to look forward to before the  (usually) depressing autumn sets in - next Friday me, D, D's friend W and his mother will go on a cruise to Sweden from Helsinki :).

ps. In the evening: mood completely different after a bikeride, qigong in the garden, shower and berry picking.  Always easier when there are activities, but I think I needed to "scrape the bottom" before I could feel positive again.

The funeral

We have said our goodbyes, now it's time to carry the coffin outside. 

goodbye grandma

The funeral was on Friday the 22nd, on Saturday I took D to his dad and in the evening we had a few thunderstorms passing over. When my dad died in August 2002 the sun just kept shining like nothing had happened - now the weather showed more respect, I thought it was approriate with thunder, rain and lightning. I also thought I'd be uncomfortable to be alone at home, but I wasn't. It felt good to light a lot of candles and watch and listen to the storm outside. 

At peace

This is the nicest photo taken of my mother - I found it in her cousin's album the last time we visited her and I asked to borrow it now. My mother's burial was yesterday. It's strange, both my parents were born in November, but both chose to leave during really hot periods (well, perhaps the heat was part of the reason...), my father at the beginning of August 2002 and my mother in mid-July. And both had really hot burial days. We picked her body up at the ward and followed the hearse (? the car with the coffin) to Jeppo, stopping at our house for a while before continuing to the church. The memorial service was held afterwards at home, I wanted it to be personal and feel the comfort of my own home, which of course also was her home. I had also invited a relative with younger children and D had someone to play with. Here at home nothing was planned and was more relaxed, but I felt it was about my mother, people who cared for her and knew her, were together, the service in the church was more about religion in general, not my mother.

Today I took D to his father and have finally had time for myself. On the way home I went for a swim and have just enjoyed being able to light candles and lie on the sofa, remembering things. Unfortunately there is thunder threatening all the time, so I think I'll have to switch off the computer soon again (one thunderstorm already passed a few hours ago...).

Tomorrow I'll drive to Pietarsaari,, to the sea, to spend three days at qigongcamp. It'll be lovely to be able to relax and let it all sink in, and to also fill up with energy and also start thinking about the future.
Last night D said: "I want to die".  Not something you want to hear from you five-year-old, so I asked why? He then said: so I can be with grandma again.

 My mother is at peace, and so am I. I'm certain she'll come to visit us in our dreams. 

 

16.7

One of the last time my mother looked at her dearly beloved grandson.

Today she passed away. I was holding her hands when her breathing started to  become more and more shallow and slow until it finally stopped altogether. Without much drama, the way she had lived most of her life. It was a relief, since she had been very uncomfortable and in pain for weeks. Now the pains are gone, she is at peace. She will be missed.

June

It feels like June was filled to the brim with activities - we have had quite a few guests, in the middle of that  our oilburner was replaced by a new system...don't know the name in English,  a hole was drilled 170 meters down in the winter and the pipes and a new "burner" was installed now. Should be clean and cheaper in the long run than the oil. Then I've had some work with reguees and also tried to maintain contact with my previous refugee"clients" - and of course at the bottom has all the time laid the worry about my mother (see post below). D also has had a bad reaction to grass (or something outside...tests will be made in autumn) and has slept badly for many nights due to blocked nose - and of course I have slept badly then as well. We have had two heatwaves, with temperatures just below 30 degrees, which is really unusual in June. We have swam at the sandpit many, many times already - feels almost like autumn, because the period of heat normally comes (IF it comes) at the end of July! But I guess we're worth this after the long and cold winter - but mosquitoes and other bloodsuckers are also very active this summer :(.

Here a short recap of June in photos (son is now four days at his dads, so I have finally peace and quiet to just do "unnecessary things" like this :), he went on summerholiday from daycare in midJune). If you click on the photos, you'll be able to see them in even bigger format.

 We've had a field of clover at the other side of the house - practical for me, have picked everyday for the rabbits - one day we had a short picnic there after I picked D up from daycare :).

Fun in the water :). This year it's also easier to go for a swim with D, he can amuse himself in the water without me  and we've been lucky - almost always there has been friends of his at the sandpit. 

A came to help me with things I needed an extra pair of hands with - for  instance building  a new, bigger sandbox for D.

8th of June I took part in "Nice Run", a non-competitive event for women. A group (originally mums with small children) from Jeppo took part. I walked the five ks :). Hot but fun - everyone also got a medal and hug when finishing :).

 

Love that beachbum :)

The digging was done in a few hours, but then there was a pause before the work inside began. In the end the oiltank was taken out and voilà, I had a new room :) (will be a room for muddy shoes etc). Now I also have my own helper with chores at home :).

"sports-season" also has begun on Mondays, games and a bit of athletics for the children. Great , especially for me. D has been complaining about the lack of a playmate at home, "why can't x move in" etc and he would like me to get him a little brother......on Monday nights he can run around with his friends and I can sit and chat with other parents :). 

Before and after picking A up at the airport in Vaasa, I visited a friend at their summercottage - is there anything more relaxing than to sit by the sea with your feet in the water :)?

On the 11th A arrived from Italy, where she had been an exchange student for five months. But she is originally from Michigan - and I'm second cousin to her grandmother :). They say we look alike! Such a nice 16-year old, I really enjoyed having her as a guest for three days, before she went on tour to relatives and friends. 

Already last summer D's eye swelled up a few times, but we only needed to wash hands and eyes, but this year I had to get eyedrops for him, and when the nose also got blocked, went to the doctor. The medicine didn't help and he started getting a temperature, so I stopped giving him it. I'm planning to take him to a homeopath in the autumn, when we've found out what exactly he is allergic to. 

For some reason these photos decided they belong together...I've tried to move them, but don't succeed....

Left one is from A's first night in Finland - she got to try sauna and swimming at 11 pm :). Next evening she had a chance to play folkmusic with a few of "Jepokryddona" - a group that tours with traditional folkmusic from the area. I was so glad I had a chance to hear top live music - was reminded of the fact that music has been lacking in my life for years. So in a few weeks I'll go hear the magic flute in Kokkola (know someone who will be singing there :).

Went around seeing the few sights there are to see here in the area, the sea with cliffs in Pietarsaari  and here  Uusikaarlepyy (watertower far in the background, café at the top, where we started off).

 "swing-duty" awaited her :) when she got back after a week. 

We tried to celebrate "real" midsummer, on the 21st - unfortunately the weather didn't cooperate, but we had a tiny bonfire in the garden, before rain and mosquitoes forced us inside.

At midsummerweekend I was home alone - needed to rest after all the activites and  "renovation" which went on for nearly two weeks. 

At the beginning of this week I had a friend from Tampere over for 24 hours, on Wednesday a friend with daughter arrived from Helsinki. Midday I got a surprise guest - a couchsurfer from Poland, who had requested a couch a few months earlier, but since I hadn't heard anything more from him, thought he wouldn't come...good thing we have a big house, but I had preferred a bit of notice from him...

Thursday A, her daughter, me and D went to the amusment park :), fun, but very, very hot....

We've had a few rabbitescapes during the month, but  now I have a good door into the enclosure (had my cousin here for a few weeks doing woodwork etc), and now we can socialize with them more easily. 

My favorite: Olga (ex Oscar, but at the vets the mistake was revealed - she actually had one rabbitbaby, but it died)

Olga has had a hard time with mosquitoes and also the other rabbits - when  she and Leo was put together with the other three (parents and sister.....), there were lots of fighting before things calmed down. 

So....can't complain that it would've been boring. Last night I went for dinner with a "salsa-friend" from Helsinki. She is rehearsing an opera in Kokkola, where D's dad lives. Was nice to meet someone from my life in Helsinki - and a good start to this miniholiday for me - which I'm planning to mostly spend in the garden, and hopefully write a column. It's really hard to get enough peace and quiet to write when D is at home. Summer has just begun and so much has already happened :)  hope you all have a good one as well!

Changes

 I'm sorry for not having written, it's been a crazy month, with lots of things happening. At the back of it all has been my mother's deteriorating health. After she stayed home for four nights we both decided that she had to go back to the ward. I was getting too tired and I had to start doing other things than tend to her all the time. She was also feeling insecure with just one person helping her get up. Since then she has been back at the ward.

Last week I tried bringing her home for the day - she came with an "invalid taxi", she could be rolled in and out of the car the wheelchair. A few hours went well, we had relatives visiting and she really enjoyed reminiscing about relatives and old times, but when she became tired and wanted to sleep, she couldn't. At the ward she has extra oxygen most of the time and she started feeling she didn't get enough air. She was really tired when the taxi finally came to bring her back. The day after they called from the ward and said she could get a "portable" oxygenbox with her the next time, but when I went to see her yesterday she was really in bad shape. Tired and having constantly problems with her stomach. She really wishes herself to be able to die, she is frustrated and in pain most of the time.

Visiting her at the ward - our American relative A was visiting us at the time (sitting in grandm's wheelchair)