Since it feels like last year was such a hard one, I thought I
should look at it again. I’m sure there
were good things as well… I can’t remember much from the first half of the
year, though. I know I had millions of rabbits in the house (well....ten, in three different cages), and D had the chickenpox. We nearly drowned in snow until April, which was followed by a really, really hot and long summer. Three funerals...my aunt in January, and my mother in July. My Finnish-language cousin's mother in November.
It feels a lot like “the time
before my mother died and after”.
My
mother:- In April when D was at his dad’s and my mother in the old
people’s home for the weekend, I sat down to think about my situation. I knew I
couldn’t handle everything anymore, I needed help. The solution I came up with
was help with cleaning – I had a woman come once a month after that. The ironic
thing was that during that weekend an old woman in a bed next to my mother’s
kept coughing on her, and my mother got that cough as well. She never really
recovered. It drained her of her strength and she couldn’t stand up on her own
anymore to go to the toilet from the wheelchair. This meant I simply couldn’t
care for her at home anymore. On the
last week of May I made a last attempt. She stayed at home for four nights and
after that we both knew it wasn’t possible to continue. She needed help to turn
in bed and also rang for me every night, except one – but then I heard the
doorbell in my dream and went downstairs anyway. I couldn’t do any other work
during those days either. My mother also felt insecure, she needed a person at each arm to help her get out of bed into her chair, for instance. After she
went back to the geriatric ward she came home for one day on the 29th
of June. She was really out of breath due to the warm weather, even if she
really enjoyed it at first. On the 16th of July she died, after a
few days of being “away” already. I was with her when she drew her last breaths
and D was brought in soon after. The funeral was on the Friday after, the 22nd
of July. I was prepared and the main feeling was relief that she was freed of
all the pains and frustrations of her deteriorating body, but of course we have
missed her. I was surprised to find I was really lost after my role as her
caretaker disappeared.
Friends:
I couldn’t have survived without my friends this year. After the funeral
I attended qigongcamp by the sea in Pietarsaari (have done it for 7 years, I
think). I was really, really tired there, but it gave me time for myself. I took the photo above with my mobile while I was resting by the sea (which I did a lot during the camp).
When
I got home my faithful friend Katri (left) came to see us - she is really my rock. Always calls and checks how I'm doing, even if we don't see each other so often. After her we had more
visitors. At mid-August D and I went of a cruise to Sweden - and I met a guy, who I was
seeing for the next months. He helped me over the worst (even if that was not
his intention J), made me realize
I still can feel a lot and I was so energized. Unfortunately he didn’t end it
very nicely and I was really low for the last two months of the year. But new
friends have arrived into my life little by little as well. Also a mother with
two children D’s age – we have been helping each other with taking care of the
kids and supporting each other.
Work:
- At the end of June the 2-year old Somali boy, whose guardian I had been since the fall of
-10, moved to Oulu, close to his relatives and I asked to
be relieved of my guardianship of him. It would’ve been too hard to travel
there to see him regularly. I was also happy to end it. He was such a smart and
sweet boy, but his case was such a hard one. I fought with the Finnish legal
system for what I thought was the only right place for him – with his own
family (sister’s). I was a witness at a trial and at a meeting in Oulu made to feel like I was
accused. I wanted to be off in June, since my mother was getting
worse, but the phone kept ringing and new problems had to be dealt with. I
really felt awful about it all, I was tired myself and so sad things didn’t go
the way most people involved thought they should – after a struggle for more
than six months, he was placed in a Finnish family. In other words, a failure, and my trust in Finnish law and authorities really was dented.
+ an Afghani boy (15) whose guardian I’ve been for three years was
united with his family arriving from Teheran just before Christmas. I’m so glad
for his sake, and the young parents and his little brothers and sisters. I
won’t be his guardian for a long time anymore, then I have just one Somali boy
anymore (12 years). For him it’s more a question of being a support person now,
since he’s been here for many years. Many of the children I’ve worked with have
become my friends since they’ve turned 18 and my guardianship automatically
ends.
+ I FINALLY managed to make postcards
out of my photos. I’ve almost sold them all as well J. Have ideas for new ones as well!
+ I worked quite a lot as a substitute teacher this year and also had two courses of my own in the Fall.
Positive: I needed more work, negative: I noticed it takes too much energy from
my writing (I have tried to write a column
every month for our local newspaper, but haven’t managed every month to do it).
I’m grateful for the writing project
every spring and fall I have for the personnel paper of the city of Pietarsaari (about 4-5
articles). Apart from that I think I’ve only written one article this year.
I was again reminded of the fact that I don’t won’t to be confined to a
strict timetable every day, like I was as a full-time teacher. But I’m not
completely sure I would’ve been able to write anyway… since I haven’t been the
most balanced person this fall….
+ Local tv. In spring a
“celebrity” from Sweden
(originally from Finland),
Mark Levengood held a lecture in Uusikaarlepyy and had agreed to an interview
with our small local tv-station. I was really nervous beforehand, was worrying
that he might be stuck up, but he was so lovely, the four minutes we had
stretched out to nearly 14. The organizer was waving at the background
“time-out” so I had to stop, but I could’ve talked to Mark forever J. His lecture was really enjoyable as well and I’ve read all of his books
(I think) now afterwards. AND the short interview got third prize at a meeting
for Finland-Swedish local tv-stations this fall J. That felt really good (+ the actual prizesum J).
I have made a few longer interviews (like “profiles”) for local tv this
fall (haven’t been shown yet) – I’ve really enjoyed that, feels like a step
forward in that “career”.
+ Started another project
I’ve wanted to do for a long time, it’s only at its beginning, but I’m hopeful…
Other
things:
- FB/Blog
- I have been spending a lot of time on facebook. With a short glance I
can take part in other people’s lives and get reactions to my posts. It has
suited me better than the blog, where I feel there is a “faceless” group who
reads but never comments. Those who do comment I’m so grateful to – without you
I would’ve ended ages ago. I am considering changes. It’s really depressing to
get more spam than “normal” comments to the posts, so a first step is to make
the comments more controlled. If that doesn’t help, I’ll “lock” the blog.
I also feel FB has brought me closer to my relatives in the States (my mother's second cousin and her children and grandchildren). I don't have a lot of relatives, so I'm so glad to have gotten to know them. At the beginning of the summer Alena (one of the grandchildren who had been an exchange student in Italy in spring), stayed with us for a few days. She was such a joy to have as a guest - and people said you can see the family resemblance :).
- In November the book “Nykarleby
365”
was released. I had been part of the
project for a year – and since it was a hard winter for me, the project felt
like an added burden quite often, so I’m glad it’s over. But it’s also satisfying
to see the result. This is the text from the beginning of the book:
The photo club
”Fotoklickarna” held its first meeting in June 2008. The club consists of a
varying number of members of different ages who meet monthly, but at the core
is a handful of enthusiasts for the art of photography. The club members have
taken part in photo excursions, lectures, courses, cooperated with other photo
clubs, organised exhibitions and photo marathons during the “Cultural
night”-events in Nykarleby in the autumn of 2008 and 2009. The latest marathon
project is “Nykarleby 365”
– the result of which you are holding in your hand.
Nykarleby
365
The task
was to take pictures within the borders of the town of Nykarleby (incl. the villages) from Midsummer
2010 to Midsummer 2011. The fifteen photographers who chose to take part, were
allotted about two days per month and during the monthly meetings the best
photo of each day was chosen. Continuing activity and creativity have been
needed in the hunt for new motives and we have often been forced to look at our
surroundings through new eyes. At the same time a piece of history in pictures
has been created.
Welcome to
a cavalcade in photos from Nykarleby during the year 2010-2011. These are our
memories, maybe they are similar to yours?
- I signed up to be a support person
for an Afghani family in Uusikaarlepyy, who arrived as “quota—refugees” at the
beginning of June (“hand-picked” in Iran). I haven’t been the best of
friends, since I was “distracted” by everything with my mother in the summer and in the fall
I focused on my lovelife…..but now when both I and their Swedish is better, it’s easier to
communicate and I’m really enjoying seeing them.
- A really positive thing is that I have started to exercise more regularly. It began in spring when I started going
for short walks in the mornings before my mother and D woke up. I continued in
the Fall + qigong nearly every week and zumba quite often until November.
- Music has also
re-entered my life: I discovered Spotify in spring and felt really
modern when I downloaded it J. But I love it,
now I have a chance to find old favorites and get to know new ones. A favourite
at the moment is Johanna Kurkela from Finland – she sings like an angel
(looks like one as well) and has really lovely lyrics. Then I like Michael
Buble’s “I just haven’t met you yet” J.
- Reading: have started reading much
more, many times after D has fallen asleep, but since he requires less work, I
often also read during the day. For the last month a lot of self-help books about
relationships J, but also novels
here and there. A favourite has been Katarina Mazetti – fun and writing about,
surprise, surprise, relationships J.
- Travels:
- Cruise to Stockholm from Helsinki in mid-August + visits to friends in Helsinki (in photo) afterwards
- Three full days in London visiting friend + family in mid-October
D: He has changed so much
after my mother died. I don’t
know if it’s due to that or just his age. He has
grown a lot, but also become more of a “big boy”. Also been quite wild at times
at daycare L. I suspect he has
felt my lows as well and I haven’t had the energy to activate him very much at
home. Very often I sit by my computer on facebook and he plays Angry birds on
the laptop L. But I do try to
restrict that time and do things together with him instead – and I hope that
with the new year, I’ll be more energized and a better mother.
The milkbottle finally “disappeared” a few months back – I was getting
worried he’d keep it until he starts school, but now he drinks his milk in the
morning and evening from a glass J.
He stills sleeps in my bed – when my ex-boyfriend was visiting, he
gladly slept in his own bed next to mine (if he was home)….on the other hand,
since it’s just the two of us now, it’s been a comfort for both of us. I do
hope he’ll move into his own bed soon, though – and also into his own room …maybe even at the end
of this year J.
He’d really like a dog and I’m slowly warming up to the idea. It would
mean a lot of practical problems - the
cats would certainly not be overjoyed, and the dog would probably eat my four
rabbits, which still live two and two in our yard, and who could care for it
when I’m at qigongcamp or we are travelling….so I need to think about it. On
the other hand I think it would help us both with our loneliness and give D a
much-longed for playmate. Maybe in the fall…or next year…or the year after J.
I had worried about the Xmas time during the fall - thought we'd feel lonely. But everything turned out really nicely. I was simply too tired to be anxious, just enjoyed time off. I also decided not to stick to old traditions, which made it easier. A week before Christmas I had a small "bringing in the Xmas tree-party" for our Afghan friends.
On the 24th (the main day here) a friend invited us for lunch with her relatives (wonderful!) and in the evening our friend A (whose guardian I used to be until he turned 18 a year ago) came to celebrate with us. That was a really nice day.
To sum it all up: I have a positive feeling for 2012! I had such a nice birthday/New Year's Eve. I hadn't really planned anything, wasn't going to make a fuss, but the day turned out to be really nice with surprise visits, even a cake with candles from the Afghan family + A who surprisingly turned up (last time I remember anyone has brought me that was for my 30th birthday :), but at this age I might have forgotten later events ;). In the evening I was invited to a friend with kids D's age - both young and "old" had a relaxed and enjoyable evening with fireworks before going home (and in the next post you see what D and I did once we got home :)..
