D woke up a bit after midnight, crying. Pacifier didn't help, had to take him up and walk with him, calm him down. Twice. Don't know what it is, maybe the changing of routines, for three days now he has skipped his morning nap, only slept in the afternoon. But yesterday he only slept for one hour in the day (-31 degrees celsius outside in the morning, so I did not take him out at all...), and was exhausted in the evening. On the other hand he has also shown promising attempts at crawling - not exactly doing it yet, but lifting his bum much more often and moving forward a bit like a crocodile (is that why crocodiles seem to be such popular toys, even if I can't quite see the "cuteness" in the live ones...?). Maybe this new dawning knowledge of movement is a bit frightening for him? Or maybe it is me, and my uneasy feelings ever since the meeting on Monday? Or maybe all of it together. Anyway, after he finally fell asleep again, I couldn't sleep.
I've sat for two hours soon and written my heart out...all the anxiety and all the hurt I've felt since August about the situation with Mr X and Ms Y. Thank God I have good friends. One particularly good one, very level-headed and brave (tells me off when she thinks I need it :), who has been there for me for over twenty years, now has the doubtful honor of receiving the letter I wanted to send to Mr X. Because now I do realise it might not be such a smart thing to send it to him, he has his own hurt feelings and cannot see mine. Anyway, I've made a decision tonight, one that I think I need to tell him about. I'll try to go to bed now, I hope I'll be able to get some sleep. If it still feels like a good idea tomorrow morning ,he'll have a short note from me later in the day. I had planned to go to the mother-baby-meeting at the congregation tomorrow (haven't been there since early autumn...), but I suspect I will be too tired tomorrow to be able to go. Sigh. Well, they'll be there all Wednesdays, all spring, maybe a day will come when I'm not too tired, or too busy or preoccupied, to be able to go there and simply enjoy the company of other mothers and their children. I'm sure D would enjoy it, but unfortunately, he'll have to wait for me to find the right day, the right time. Good night - I hope!
ps. my cousin finished his bit of the renovation today, the electrician came - but didn't finish yet. The plumber actually turned up in the evening with the actual "water closet" - where you sit to do your business...he said he might come tomorrow/today to instal it (unless there is an emergancy somewhere due to the cold weather). Dare I hope the renovation would actually be finished by the end of THIS week....?
ps2: anyone think I should change the photo up right to a more fresh one, more suited to the season...... :)?
3 kommentarer:
Vill bara höra av mig så du vet att jag läser (skummar igenom)din blogg för det mesta men är inne i en värre period på jobbet så jag tar mig inte tid att skriva. Önskar dig styrka i alla dina beslut. Tro på dig själv!
That's what friends are for, especially good friends! I feel for you and your anxieties. I find it does some good to write it all down. Even to write a letter that maybe you shouldn't send and then don't send it sometimes remedies the situation for a while. Your instincts are given you by nature. As a mother trust them as you will. It is sort of comparable to answering a question that you may not know the answer to. Your first guess is usually most correct more times than not. Sorry I misunderstood what you were trying to say about D's father. Still, there shouldn't be any blame on you as to why D feels this way towards him. I believe kids, especially the little ones, do sense everything around them, and yes, this means anxiety too. One doesn't have to have an argument in front of a child for that child to know that there is something going on. As you keep waiting for D to get back to how he was he may be thinking the same of you too. Perhaps his teething has also interrupted his sleeping. Our poor Alexi got seven at one time! Talk about being up and down like a yo-yo all night. D is taking "small steps" Everything new is proceeded with caution and intrigue. Just wait. The time will soon come when you have to keep him out of everything! haha. ;-)
The picture you have is nice. Another would be nice too ;-)
A-M: tack för meddelandet, roligt att höra at "du är med" än :).
Matt: I guess as a mother the instincts are so strong, it is almost impossible to ignore them. D's dad cannot, of course, understand that. He thinks I'm on somekind of agenda to keep him out of D's life - which is not the case, I've said again and again since the beginning he is important for D. I just wish he would respect D's needs - the dads role becomes bigger when D grow up. I guess this whole situation is a big learning opportunity for all of us involved - we're not getting very good grades at this stage :( - but I have to believe the feelings will even out, and everything will calm down and we can all live in peace and be balanced, mostly for D's sake, but of course for our own as well.
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