Today was the day when the contract about the meetings was supposed to be drawn up. I strongly felt is was one of those moments you really wish you didn't have to experience, but you have no choice but to face it and hope you come out alive at the other end. I guess it was ok, we have a contract until May - based on the dad's suggestion (based on what I have said before). But he wasn't happy - there were a few heated sentences said at the end and both stomped from the office without exchanging any more words. I'm just going to try to forget about him, I know I haven't done anything wrong in trying to make circumstances as good as possible for D. He has a right to meet his dad, and the bigger he gets, the less I need to worry about him feeling insecure. Am I being overly protective when I feel that it is not ok to leave the child immediately with a person he is afraid of (according to the father I am)? I'm thinking while D gets bigger, he will get back to the way he was before - smiling at almost everyone immediately - now he is rather cautious with almost everyone at first, might even start to cry if someone picks him up before he has "warmed up".As long as he behaves like this, I like to be there for him to help him get acquainted - no matter who it is he feels this way about.
Tomorrow things MIGHT happen in the bathroom - my cousin promised to come and finish his bit, and the electricians are supposed to come...let's see. Keep your fingers crossed!
10 kommentarer:
Skönt att mötet är över! Du har helt kloka och realistiska tankar över D:s situation, det viktigaste i detta är ju ändå att han mår bra och kan känna sig trygg! Tids nog då han blir äldre, som du ju också skrev, blir ju situationen en annan och då får du ju ta ställning till det! Håller tummarna för att "badrumspojkarna" kommer :-)! Marianne
My personal opinion. D shouldn't have to be in the middle of this regardless if he has the right to meet his dad. He doesn't understand this right but what he does understand is that YOU are his mother and NUMBER ONE caregiver and provider at this stage in his life. A social worker should know that if a child is frightened of another person then it is not a good thing to try and make things happen "against will?". There is a reason for that. You are not being overly protective! How can the father honestly believe that you are what the child is afraid of? That right there is evidence enough to show that this is an unstable environment to be placing D in. As the child grows you will not have to worry about him being insecure. It is good that the child is acquainted with a father but it doesn't mean he needs to be physically in possession of the father at this young age, at least not for a long time. I speak from experience, although I was almost seven when my parents divorced. I was the oldest of four kids then. My little sister doesn't know my father and doesn't wish to know simply because of the things my mother had said about him. I am the only one who has contact with my father to this day. Even at the young age of seven it was painful enough for me to see or even be aware that my parents fighting over me and my siblings. It remains with me to this day. Not knowing the father's history I can only make an assumption that D is in the best care and place at this time in his life. He shouldn't be subjected to confusion until he is old enough to understand a little more. Anyway, that is only my two cents worth. You don't have the agenda against D. Keep doing what you are doing and know and feel in confidence that what you are doing IS the right thing.
Good luck with the bathroom!!
Grattis till ett kontrakt! Vila i tryggheten och vissheten att du gör och gjort vad du ser som bäst för D. Tids nog kommer han att kunna möta sin far ensam, desto bättre kommer det dessutom att gå om han får träffa honom nu och då nu tillsammans med dig - den stora tryggheten i hans liv - då finns grunden till fina möten senare.
Håller tummen för att ditt badrum blir klart så att du och D kan börja njuta av härliga bad! Kram
Du har helt rätt! Och du är inte overly protective.Skönt att ni nu har ett avtal en tid framöver.
D ser så god o belåten ut, och du tar fina foton.
Unna dej själv nu nåt kiva...choko...behandling...!kram K
Hello Ulla
I've arrived back in Australia after a lovely summer break in SA. Just catching up on my mail now! Must say I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog. Actually I have to confess that my age I really feel technologically challenged and disadvantaged as far as the internet goes. I'd never heard of a 'blog' before I read a Swedish one and then didn't understand the language so I never quite figured it out. In retrospect I should have taken out my dictionary and worked my way through it, but time does not allow me such luxuries. Anyway great stuff old friend. keep on writing. And best of luck with the renovations and with your meetings planned until May. Take care. Lots of love - Patti
D är just nu i åldern då barnen blir blyga för främlingar - så det är helt naturligt att han blir osäker med en person han inte sett på länge. Skönt med kontrakt, nu har ni det att luta er mot en tid framåt.
Håller tummarna för badrummet! Vi har bott 9 år i vårt hus och igår kom sista lampan i badrummet upp ;-))). Nåja, ärligt talat var det en lampa som inte har behövts men nu är det nog fint då den är installerad!
Du är absolut inte överbeskyddande ("hönsmamma"), det är helt naturligt att små barn är främmande för personer som de inte ser alltför ofta. Ett litet barn kan ju inte avgöra vem som är släkt, vem som är/borde vara viktig eller vem som bara är en tillfällig bekantskap. Hos oss har alla 3 varit mer eller mindre reserverade eller rädda för personer som de inte umgås med varje vecka, oberoende om personen ifråga varit en skötare som sporadiskt tagit hand om dem, moster, faster, kusin eller våra familjebekanta. Mitt gudbarn var livrädd för alla som inte hörde till den närmaste familjen (dvs också för oss, moster/kusiner...) tills hon fyllde 3, sedan svängde det på en gång och nu är hon världens charmtroll, linslus och "famnkatt". Så, kämpa på och gör så som intuitionen säger, det är det bästa i längden.
Stå på dej också med alla renoveringsgubbar, de är ett släkte för sig (speciellt sådana som behövs för att installera något...), och de behöver en spark i ändan allt emellanåt. Det ser fint ut i ditt nya hjälpkök, ljust och fräscht.
No, you are right. It's better to just take it easy, and for D to be comfortable with his dad, for sure! Let it take whatever time it needs to take. I really feel for you, this is a mess.
But all will turn out good in the end, I am sure!
Tack till alla för era kommentarer - det var jätteskönt att läsa dem då jag satte på maskinen, att ni tycker samma som jag, att Daniel ska känna sig trygg!! Det var ett stöd i rätt stund!
Thanks Matt for your long comment - I appreciate hearing from you and your experinces of a situation a bit like this, it is very good to learn what it might feel like from a child's perspective. D's dad did not think D is afraid of me - but he thought it is normal that D is afraid of him - "all children are like that", but he doesn't think I should stay to comfort him. That's where we differ in our opinion, and I'm going to follow my instict in this matter, no matter what he says. A good thing in this is that D hasn't had to listen to our arguments - that was one reason why I decided to split up with him already while pregnant...I can just hope he hasn't been able to sense too much of my anxiety in the past months. And hopefully I've now managed to sort myself out...(see next post!).
Patti: Welcome to the blog - I've expected to see you here!!! I hope to see you here again many, many times :)!
Hej! Det är ju en utvecklingsfas att vara rädd för främligar och att vara mammis, B har varit jättemammis en tid nu så på kvällarna är det bara jag som duger, det hör ju till, inte är du överbeskyddande! Det viktigaste är ju D´s bästa, och det vet nog du bäst vad är! Ha det så bra i kölden. H. B´s mamma
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