October

Son took this photo at some point...I ordered a new "camera light" on the internet, a camera to take snapshosts with, and now I don't know where I put it....I have a new hairstyle now, but don't have a photo of it. 

At this moment I think I have four rabbits, this couple has our yard and - unfortunately - our neighbour's yard as their  territory. There was one more yellow rabbit, which also belonged to this group, but I haven't seen her in over a week, so I'm pretty sure she has met her destiny, probably in the form of some stray animal (photo taken through a window...). 

The other day we were visited by a flock (? I suspect there is a particular word I should use...) of partridges. They've come for a visit in the winter also. They seemed to think Maya was their mother, following her around :). 

Things are finally calming down and a feeling of flow popping up now and then. Local tv has started, my yearly (x2) project to write for the personnel magazine of Pietarsaari has also begun. And my own writing isn't so difficult anymore, and I've started a few "projects" which I have thought about for a long time.  life at home feels good. And my lovelife is ok :). At the moment he is here - still sleeping, he always works at nights during the week, so it's difficult in the weekend to switch to another rhythm. It's been a good weekend, which we needed, we hadn't seen each other for a month. It's been difficult for me, my own fears, combined with the distance and him becoming sick and having a really busy period at work made communication rather scarce. But like I said, it's been a good weekend. It's a strange relationship, on the surface we don't have much in common, but still, some moments are almost magic and I respect the fact that he is "his own" even if I'm irritated that he doesn't behave or do thing the way I'd like him to :). A "push over" wouldn't last long with me...I know that.

I hope we've turned a corner now, he has been different and that of course reduces my fears. Next week D and I are going to London for three whole days to see a friend with kids D's age. That'll be a nice break during this time of increasing darkness and cold here in our country. I've also been regularly meditating, exercising and practising qigong, so I feel stronger both physically and psychologically, which of course is also a really positive thing :). 

Lyrics,feng shui and headache

Your know how you sometimes think you know the lyrics to a song, and then they are something completely different....Especially when I was younger and didn't know much English, I had my own versions of the lyrics when I sang. I obviously still have that. The car I bought a year ago still had a cassette-deck, it stopped working so now I'm "upgraded" to a cd-player. I decided to listen to old cd:s - one of them was "Savage Garden" - do you remember, they were in maybe 10-20 years ago....or something like that. I like to sing to their tunes, but haven't really looked at the titles. Now I started wondering about myself when I sang "like cannonball": "running free through the jungle...like cannonballs", "cannonballs and children never lie" etc. I thought something must be wrong and tried to listen really carefully, thought it must be something alive that they are singing about. Thought it sounded like "cannibals", but that was rather weird as well, so I had to check the cover, finally. "Animal song" is the title :).

*

Had a lovely day yesterday, didn't have to do anything, but instead I voluntarily cleared away bits and pieces that have been waiting for it - some for a long time. In our living room we have a part which is supposed to be D's play corner. His room, where he doesn't sleep yet, is upstairs, but he is never there, so most of his toys are downstairs and as you can guess, all over the living room. I've looked at the mess but haven't had the energy to deal with it, only on the surface. Now I rearranged the corner, brought in a table for him and cleared away some of the "artwork" he's brought home from daycare. He is into building all sorts of things from milk boxes (wonder if his dad's architect-genes are coming through...) and it's a bit hard to throw them away, but enough is enough. I don't think he'll notice, I kept the best ones :).

Finally the house is slowly being cleared of the extra-clutter that has been collected in corners and cupboards, when I haven't had the energy to take care of everything. At the same time it becomes easier to keep things in order, know where I have stuff and easier to breathe... While my mother still was alive I many time thought about people with new houses, young people who haven't collected too much stuff and longed for less stuff and more order, but had no chance to deal with it. Now a lot of my mother's things are gone - yesterday I took some again to the place here in Jeppo where they collect clothes etc and take to poorer neighboring countries. I still have many boxes of her clothes, which I simply couldn't part with immediately. I think with a bit more time I will give away at least half of those as well.

*

The evening ended with the film "Eat, pray, love" (perfect, could do the clearing at the same time :). I actually enjoyed it more this time, maybe because my life situation is different now and I could relate to new things. Unfortunately the evening ended with a beginning headache and increasing anxiety about my new relationship...if I don't hear from him regularly my heads starts making up all kinds of scenarios. Due to his working hours etc (being away when I'm sleeping and the other way around)  it's really hard to get hold of him, mostly he has to contact me - I can only send him a text message if I have something I want to talk about - and he doesn't send those :(. Right now I'm almost certain there won't be a continuation. Anyway, thought the headache was due to tight neck kmuscles that didn't like the carrying, the walk in the morning etc, until I realized "hat"-season has begun. During the walk in the morning I didn't wear one and did notice the wind was rather cold to my head. It's very sensitive and since this was the second time this week with headache, I'm sure it's the wind...I need to start protecting my head. Wish I could just pull a hat over my poor heart as well!

Fragment

"Är Gud osynlig?", frågar sonen plötsligt när vi kör bil. Vad svarar man på det...

*

Den senaste måanden har jag haft både ork, energi och tid att röra mig mycket mera (qigong torsdagar, zumba söndagar, promenader och qigong på egen hand där emellan). Dessutom äter jag mindre och lättare.  Känner mig starkare, smidigare och smalare. Tyvärr motsvara min spegelbild vid simhallen alls den bild jag har av hur kroppen ser ut. Men vågen visar också att några kilo försvunnit den senaste månaden, så jag får blunda för speglar och kolla på våren igen. Fortsätter det så här, så kommer nog också det yttre att bättre motsvara den inre bilden - småningom!

*

Har ledigt veckoslut - och kan faktiskt njuta av det. S hade tänkt komma hit, men han blev sjuk. Blev helt gråtfärdig och tyckte det passade som en perfekt avslutning på en skit vecka. På onsdagen blev bouppteckningen klar, förutom ett frågetecken, som jag i princip vet vad jag ska göra åt, bara jag orkar börja ringa runt och gräva i arkiv och så vidare. I varje fall en lättnad att den är klar. Mobilen är på reparation, på onsdagkväll gick det inte att släcka lyktorna i bilen....ny brytare är beställd, men den hann inte hit till helgen. Har fått låna en bil på kvällar, men det är också en orsak till att jag får hållas hem i kväll, vill inte låna en varje dag. Men faktum är att jag också är helt nöjd med att för första gången på länge kunna njuta av ledig tid då jag helt själv får bestämma vad jag gör. Förra veckan sov jag dåligt och funderade mycket på "oss" - missnöjd med hur vårt s.k. förhållande utvecklar sig. Distansen gör förstås sitt till, men det är inte allt. Hade ett långt och bra samtal på måndagmorgon klockan halv sju när han kom från jobbet (:))  , men vi borde ha fått se varandra detta veckoslut, jag är fortfarande orolig och osäker i hjärttrakten. Men jag kommer ju inte mera ihåg - kanske det hör till när man är nykär?! Speciellt om man är nykär och 47 år....Talade med en annan nykär väninna, som har en helt annan livssituation och förstås -historia. Då insåg jag att bara vi får kommunikationen att funka ordentligt, och litar på varandra mera, så skulle detta passa mig perfekt. Jag har ju knappt bott med en man tidigare och vet inte om jag ens skulle vilja det mera. Jag går så upp i ett förhållande, så jag tappar bort mig själv. På detta vis måste/får jag vara den jag är i mitt liv, trots att en man ingår där också. Men vi får se, vi får se, vi är inte där jag vill vara ännu och jag vet inte om det ens lyckas med just denna man.

*

Bestämde mig för att jag och D ska åka på en liten resa på vårt höstlov, det blir något skojigt att se fram emot i höstmörkret. Det är under planering.

*

Fia kom just in jamande - som jag gissade ligger det en död mus på köksgolvet. Nästan varje morgon har jag "frukostmusen" på mattan på toaletten på vinden (kul om man gå på toan på natten och trampar på presenten...). Ändå ska hon ha kattmat också - jag tror hon har mask, men hon är omöjlig att få maskmedel i, så jag vet inte vad jag ska göra. Synd att man inte gillar mus.

*

Solen skiner - härligt! Den har inte synts till så ofta den senaste månaden. Var på en långpromenad i morse. Hittade en ny Paolo Coelho i Prisma i går efter att jag fört sonen till Kby och varit och simmat. Härligt att syssla och pyssla, ta tag i saker och ting som blivit på hälft (fast köksskåpen kanske ännu får vänta, vi får se...). Går nog säkert ut och räfsar lite än i dag. Härligt då man orkar göra saker och ting!

*
Hoppas ni (anyone out there ?) :) ) som läser får ett skönt och avkopplande veckoslut!