Lately...

"I am a robot" (had to buy a new digibox, son immediately found use for the wrappings :)

Getting the make-up ready :). On Easter Saturday kids dress up as witches here and visit houses to get candy. D has so far always wanted to be a rabbit....(note Maya- the rabbit in the background, has been hysterical: one rabbit on the run, three rabbits on the run, all rabbits in the cages, again one rabbit on the run.....I'm losing count!!)

Ready to get going. Unfortunately my beloved new camera has suddenly stopped automatic focus. I know I don't treat my cameras gently, but only four months......So sad. I've learnt how to focus manually, but probably have to send it away again. Sob!!!!! Worried also about my mother. I really hope it's due to the strong medication she has received, but she has been a bit disoriented lately. Hopefully she'll be able to come home on Tuesday, and hopefully her mind will be back to normal, otherwise I don't know how I'll be able to have her live with us :(. 

Traditional Easter bonfire. Such a relief to be able to burn old stuff....wish it was that easy with hurt , bitterness, broken hearts etc etc. Old feelings have risen to the surface lately, probably since I've been so tired. 

I'm so grateful we have such nice neighbors. It would have been lonely to burn the bonfire just me and D, now  there were more of us (and a bigger bonfire :)

Waiting for the fire to burn down so we can grill the sausages :)

Having fun :)

Still having fun, but getting slightly tired :)

"The Easter crowd" :)

And finally, last photo: the garden this morning (the barn behind the garden/yard, opposite our house, I'm standing on the balcony -pls click to see bigger). I'm still in the process of leveling the hedge, hard work climbing up and down and I think this is the last year I can manage it, the ladder won't be long enough anymore. Elmer is still on the run, I had managed to lure him into the enclosure yesterday, but on hour after he was out again. He's become such an expert - and I don't have time to fix every little detail in the enclosure - especially since I've been planning to make it even bigger and will have a bigger job if I've put a lot of effort on it now. So I guess I'll have to start protecting my plants instead of trying to catch Elmer. There will be many dangers facing him this summer - cats, dogs etc, I'm surprised if he makes it to autumn, unless somekind of miracle happens and I can still catch him. 

My body is aching - in a good way. Gardening is hard work :). But it's such a positive thing, every year you start full of hope and internal pictures of how lovely it's going to look - by July I usually lose interest and by the end of the summer everything is overgrown :). But right now I have lots of plans - and everything is going to look soooo great :). 

Happy Easter

Couldn't find a photo of a daffodil, so have to make do with a rabbit - I have plenty of those photos! This is Elmer as a baby, now he's been on the run for more than a week. He hops along in our yard, but always far enough from me - can't even reach him with "a thing you use to lift up a fish you've caught from the water" - couldn't find the word in the dictionary, they suggest "bag", doesn't seem quite right ("håv"). Don't know what to do with him, don't want him to eat the things that start growing in my garden, otherwise I don't actually have a problem with him being on the loose (he is castrated).

I've had a really bad period internally this spring. I've been really, really tired, everything I've had to do has felt like a huge effort, especially here at home. I have, though, managed to do the jobs at hand, especially lately it hasn't been so hard, since it has been interviews and writing, which I like doing a lot. Once I've got going it has felt good - maybe to be away from home and all the musts. My mother has been in hospital over a week now. She got a really bad flu, which isn't good even now. On one hand it was good for me that she has been away, I've had enough to cope with myself lately.

Usually spring is the time when I really come alive, but I suspect that this year I've suffered from what a lot of people get when the light suddenly rushes in in spring - spring "tiredness" (don't know that word in English either, sigh, my languageskills are also rapidly deteriorating...). Very close to depression. For the past days I've started to feel better and can now try to focus on the positive things in my life. During the week I've written almost four articles and started on a lot of columns (I'm supposed to write one per month to our local newspaper), which feels really good. Writing is what I want to do, especially my own texts, but there has been so much going on, I haven't really had the time and quiet time I need for it (and I'm really insecure and afraid of starting it as well!). Now I'm bursting with ideas, but have problems focusing on one thing at a time.

I've also felt very lonely this spring, I'm sure it has to do with the tiredness. Before Easter I was stuck in the thoughts of me not being important enough for anyone to want to spend time with me on weekends or holidays - this is reserved for close friends and family, or families meeting each other, and I don't fit in there, since I don't have a man to bring along (or maybe they just don't like me...). I want people to visit me, at the same time I don't want it since the house is mostly a mess - I don't have the time and energy to keep it in order. And even if I decided I need help with the cleaning, I didn't find anyone until after Easter. I hope, though, that she can start to come on a regular basis. Pity I couldn't find anyone when I was feeling the most exhausted.

One good thing is that this year I have been exercising and just generally "moving" a lot more that before. Yesterday when I picked D up from daycare by bike, we didn't take the straight way home, instead we went around the rivers (about 4 kms), and this morning I went for a walk before he got up (have done that every now and then, just short walks about 3 kms, but much better than nothing at all, and it's a beginning!). I seem to have become a morning person suddenly, mostly I wake up around five the first time, but don't get up until after six.

Now I feel good enough to be able to enjoy the fact that we can take it easy at home, just my son and I. Since my mother is away, we'll also have the freedom to suddenly take off somewhere, I've been thinking of maybe taking him to a indoor pool with slides etc in Vaasa, but we'll see. Maybe I'll have time to clear up inside the house a bit (put away winter clothes and get the summer ones) and do gardening, which always makes me feel better. And today there is actually someone who has taken the time to come and see us :), one of  D's girlfriends with her mum. And, to be honest, we were invited to a dinner on Saturday in Pietarsaari, but  there aren't going to be any other kids, and since on Easter Saturday we usually burn a bonfire, I decided to stay at home, it'd be too much for one day. So, actually, there are people who want to see me on a weekend :). See, I'm starting to feel better  and better!

Happy Easter to you all!!

 (wonder if there are more than just a handful...but grateful that someone at least reads :)

Om Japan

Till er som kan svenska, vill jag visa en länk till en finlandssvenska i Japan. Det är helt fantastiskt att läsa hur japanerna och naturen återhämtar sig, hur mycket gott som uppstår ur det tragiska. 

Busy times again

Times flies...I'm always rather busy in March-April, this year is no exception. And my mother has again been in and out of hospital, which always wears me down more. At the moment she has a really bad flu, which she got when she was there over a weekend so I could rest :(. D asked when I was taking her to the doctor: "IS grandma going to die", I could only answer: "I hope not". I visited her today, she is very weak, but getting slightly better again.

This time of the year all my main jobs are on - working with the refugees, for local tv and this year I've been quite often working as substitute teacher and had a few translation jobs as well. I was planning to do a lot of writing, but there simply isn't time for it, not my own stuff. Right now I'm in the middle of a project for the town of Pietarsaari, every spring and autumn I write articles for the personnel paper.

I had wanted to take part in a short-story competition, but I never found the time to write, now I have to wait two years again until next time. The problem is - I don't get paid for trying to write fiction or something just therapeutical - digging into painful things in the past. I need to earn money, which means I have to do other things, which means I never have the chance to sit down and try it. It is so frustrating and I'm losing hope that I'll ever get the chance to try - and maybe I'm not even able to, I mean, I might not even have the talent for it. But since I don't have enough peace and quiet in my life, I won't find out either :( :(.

And the rabbits keep getting out,  I'm going crazy!!! I can't find the hole and now they won't let me catch them. Two are on the run now :( :(.

I can't say life is very good at the moment, I'm simply too tired, just trying to manage to finish the jobs at hand. I'm so looking forward to the summer holidays already. The positive thing is that SPRING IS FINALLY HERE!!! And every now and then I've started going for a walk in the morning before D  wakes up. I've come to the conclusion that is the best time, in the evenings I'm simply too tired to do much. 

Working and exercising

Jag hade den stora äran att få intervjua Mark Levengood för några veckor sedan, då han höll en föreläsning i Nykarleby. Jag var rätt nervös före, men han var jättesnäll och trevlig, skulle ha kunnat prata hur länge som helst med honom, men föreläsningsorganisatören började vifta "time-out" i bakgrunden i ett skede :). Fick nyss höra att det fanns en bild på oss på Radio X3Ms hemsida, det måste jag ju kopiera hit :). Köpte alla hans tre böcker - i går kväll läste jag nummer två klar då D somnat och satt och fnittrade för mig själv. Han har en härlig humor, "a way with words" och bjuder på mycket tänkvärt. Här ett foto till som Anders Wingren, arbisrektorn, tog på oss, man ser riktigt hur förtjust jag är :):

Det känns som om jag hunnit med massor redan i dag - D håller troligen på att bli förkyld, han har sovit oroligt i två nätter. Som vanligt vaknade jag fem-tiden i morse och insåg att det är grannens bil som jag jag numera vaknar till. Tidigare i vinter var det deras sons bil klockan sju, nu är det pappan som åker klockan fem. Helt klart är jag i bättre form, då jag tydligen behöver mindre sömn nu. Ungefär samtidigt skrek D till, han hade en mardröm och fick flytta över i min säng. Vid sex gav jag upp och insåg att jag har ett ypperligt tillfälle att påbörja min goda föresats - for ut på en kort promenad och joggade också lite, eftersom jag ville hem snabbt. Mormor kommer hem först i dag och jag ville inte att sonen skulle vakna och komma ner till ett tomt hus (fast jag hade satt på Bolibompa för säkerhets skull). Känns bra med promenaden, hoppas kunna fortsätta i samma stil de morgnar då jag vaknar tidigt.

I natt drömde jag att jag födde en liten flicka, vad månne det betyder...? Kommer jag äntligen i gång med skrivandet och andra kreativa saker? I går fick jag klart en översättning, som jag jobbat på i över en vecka (inte enbart förstås). Samtidigt skickade jag in företrädarbokföringen (utan den får jag ingen lön), så det känns som om jag fått avslut på vissa saker i varje fall. Företrädarskapen fortsätter förstås, men jag hoppas verkligen det blir mindre intensivt framöver. Har haft ett verkligen tungt "fall" i vinter - en två-årig somalisk pojke, hur underbar som helst, men det har varit en himla massa myndighetsfajter. Nu hoppas jag på lite mera luft i tillvaron igen, jag fick ju en påminnelse om att jag inte klarar av jobb, hemmet, mamma, sonen, djuren, motion OCH nöjen/dejtar/socialt liv utan en helt ledig dag någon gång! Jag fick vara ensam hemma i lördags och hade en riktigt ordentlig utrensning - huvudvärk och bottenhumör. Orkade inte göra ett smack på lördagen, försökte jag, tappade jag saker, hittade ingenting och blev helt rabiat på hela tillvaron. Grät så det skvalade mellan varven. På söndagen vaknade jag som en ny människa :) (trots dålig sömn igen pga fallande snö/is från taket och halv storm där ute).

Om jag hinner ska jag ringa en person med städfirma i dag och se om hon kanske kan komma till exempel en gång i månaden och hjälpa mig med städningen. Nästa vecka har jag beställt lunch till min mamma från hemservice. Matlagningen är ett av mina största stressmoment, konstigt nog har jag ingen fantasi på det området, oftast känns det bara frustrerande och tungt att försöka hitta på något. Speciellt om jag jobbar hemma. Då skulle jag vilja kunna fokusera på det jag håller på med och inte mitt i behöva börja fundera på vad vi ska ha till lunch (mamma är rätt begränsad med vad hon kan/vill äta). Sen kommer dåliga samvetet till då det blivit mycket halvfabrikat de senaste månaderna igen. Till sommaren blir det säkert bättre igen....I morse hade vi ännu minusgrader, men snön SMÄLTER, hurraa!  Livet återvänder sakta men säkert också till våra breddgrader.

Angel of spring

I'm so happy and proud! For the first time in years I picked up my colors and started painting. To warm up before continuing on the wall in D's room (which I started about three years ago.... here is a photo - at the end of 08 I thought it was almost finished....) I decided to just see what comes when I start - and lo and behold, it was an angel of spring :)! Not so surprising since I listened to Lorna Byrne in Helsinki a week ago.. Many of my colors have dried up, so I had to use those that I had.  Even if you're not supposed to show a painting which isn't finished, I'm so excited to have gotten started again, so I just have to! 

Kaniner och bloggaward :)

Det är så härligt att sonen kan börja föreviga saker vi gör (med vår lilla kamera som håller på att ge upp...). Dethär är då jag flyttade Maya (tredje från vänster, svart :) och hennes ungar till två kättar i fähuset. Tyckte det var dags att börja separera pojkarna från flickorna - vill inte göra om förra höstens misstag! Nu är också pappa Elmer i fähuset i en liten bur intill Mayas och Elsas - första försöket att sätta ihop dem blev inte lyckat, så jag hoppas att Maya blir van med honom småningom och att det ska gå bättre att flytta dem samman i utomhusburen, som ju varit Elmers territorium. 

Fotografen :)

Och så är jag väldigt glad och tacksam över att ha fått en bloggutmärkelse av "My Green Blog":

Tack!! Jag ska fundera på vem jag kan ge utmärkelsen vidare till - tyvärr läser jag nästan inga andra än just "My Green Blog" mera! Inte tid helt enkelt! Men just nu är det en intensiv period - lite väl intensiv, insåg jag. Så nu har jag haft både mamma-  och barnfritt veckoslut (eg. det första i år, i januari var jag själv också borta då det hände...). Behövde verkligen få tid för mig själv. I går var jag helt upp-o-ner, men i dag känns det bra igen. Jag tror jag är en sån person som ibland måste slå i botten, för att sen igen orka kämpa vidare. 

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