Life now

During the past weeks I've been doing a lot of clearing out my mother's things and clothes and moved my  "office"/workroom downstairs into her bedroom. This weekend the room finally was finished - Fia helped as well :). 

D's passion this summer was Angry birds....it has been a good babysitter, when I simply didn't have the energy to  find things for him to do. 

The garden has liked the hot and humid weather :). 

I think I told you I let the rabbits lose almost two months ago - I had four on the run and one in the cage....And since the two boys are castrated, I hope there won't be an increase in the amount, rather the opposite...This morning there were still at least four left - I just heard a red fow has been spotted many mornings crossing the road to our house....Elsa was the only one I didn't see in the morning. She hurt her front paw in July - I took her to the vet, who suspected it was a nerve injury. She didn't seem to suffer from it, even if she couldn't use the paw, but I'm afraid she might not be able to outrun a fox....

Lately I've started to wake up very early. Maybe a sign that I'm not so tired anymore - I get by with the normal amount of sleep. Usually I've gone to bed with D already around 9/10 in the evening, but I think I need to train him to get to sleep without me. It would be lovely to be able to watch some tv at night and even if it's nice to have time for myself in the morning to go for a walk, for instance, getting up at five is already a bit exaggerated....This morning I rushed back in to get the camera when I saw a really beautiful sunrise, but the clouds had already covered it when I got back outside. I still brought my camera along for the walk and managed just about to capture fleeing cranes in the morning fog. Autumn is here, even if it's still warm.

I still haven't quite got my act together with work - especially not the writing. A two month break isn't very good for the flow. On the other hand, I've felt I need to clear/clean and re-organize the house to fit our new situation, before I have the peace and quiet to sit down and work. I'm almost there now...And on Friday I start teaching a course in English for 16-year old art students, so that should give me a kickstart into the workmode again!

Villaavslutning/End of summercottage season

Last weekend was the end of the summer cottage season in this area. Our family has never owned a summer cottage, so the weekend has normally not been very significant for me, but this time I was so lucky to be invited to a friend's cottage by the sea. The weather was amazing - no wind, + 20 degrees, water still warm enough to swim in (for me, I'm not one who easily dip myself if it's cold...), sun, cliffs....

enjoying with friends and sunset :)

It was so beautiful by the water with lanterns and fireworks. D's grandparents had come to visit, so I could stay a bit longer by the sea. When I got home our neighbours were shooting fireworks, so me and D (who woke up) could watch them from my bedroom window :). 

Sea, Stockholm, Helsinki, garden :)

 On the 12th of August we finally could start off on our little miniholidaytour to Stockholm and Helsinki. I had originally planned to go in June, but couldn't find anyone to join me and since my mother was getting worse, I felt it was better I stayed in the area. But now the time and company was right. In the picture we are at the railwaystation, D in front and his friend W next to me. We took the train to Helsinki, had some time to visit a playground, before heading for the boat. It was so great to be two moms - we could take turns being with the kids.

(again can't get the photos and texts like I want them to and don't want to waste time struggling with it...!)

D was terrified at first to walk up to deck - the cruiseships between Finland and Sweden are really big. It was lovely to stand on deck and look at my old hometown Helsinki (well, lived there for six years, and from the schoolwindows, where I then worked, I could see these boats coming in and going out, so it was just next door to the harbour!). 

My friend L with the boys

(If you click on the collage, you'll be able to see it in slightly bigger format)
In Stockholm me and the boys went to "Junibacken" (while  L saw a friend) - a kind of  house for games etc and a storytrain, where you could sit and be guided through many of the stories the Swedish storyteller Astrid Lindgren had created. The place was packed with people - we spent three hours there, so it was actually quite hard work to keep track of two eager boys among all the people. But they had a great time and afterwards L took them to the Aquarium and I had some time for myself in town. On the ferry there was plenty to do for the boys... First night I went to bed at the same time with the boys and Linda went dancing, second night it was my turn to go and have some fun. And indeed I had - my goal was to at least talk to man, and that goal was reached ;).

In Helsinki my friend met us in the harbour and we spent three more nights at different friends' places. It was perfect - the boat was mostly for the kids and there were timetables, tickets, meals etc to keep track of, but in Helsinki me and D were taken care of, picked up, fed etc :). Then I could relax and it was so great to see friends again. 

And this is what Saturday evening on the boat led to...not one, but two glasses of bubbly in the sun yesterday here at home :) :). Too early to tell more, but suffice it to say I feel really amazed and happy at the moment! It is like I've stepped back into the current of life, with all its risks, but also heightened sense of being alive! Next week we'll see if I can switch on workmode as well.....

July activities

Two days after the funeral I went to qigongcamp in Pietarsaari by the sea. Finally a chance to relax, let it all sink in and hopefully become more energetic. This was the seventh camp for me. I chose not to take part when my son was only a few months old and only took part in the daytime for two years when he was a baby. but it has for a long time been the place where I feel I can reload my batteries for the long winter. This year was no exception, but I was if possible even more tired than the previous years. During camp we trained from seven in the morning until ten at night (with food in between of course :), and I took a lot of time for myself to just try to sleep on the beach. On the second day old "traumas" rose to the surface and since I broke down in a group situation, I felt so terrible I actually thought about going home. But I guess sometime you have to let your ghosts rises to the surface and hopefully disappear for good. I didn't feel as "high" as before during camp, but when I drove home I noticed the effect was there - I felt so positive and in love with what I have. 

In the evening my dear friend K came to spend a few days with me. I was really glad to have someone to just sit and talk to. 

On Thursdays we had mutual friends over for lunch. 

On Frieday when she left we managed to squeeze in a visit to the creation of an artist. I love this place!

During the weekend I needed time for myself to remove the traces of the funeral and  make our home more into  our home again. On Monday a family from Sweden we met during our holiday in Turkey came to visit! It's funny the way things go - I had been worried about feeling lonely on a charter holiday with my son among "happy families", but instead D easily made friends with other children and made it easier for me as well to connect with their parents. This was the first time we actually managed to have a small bonfire in the garden and do the traditional sausage-grilling :).

D was so pleased to have a friend to play with for a few days - and I was happy about the company and  something to remind him of when he complains he doesn't have siblings - he wasn't happy the first day when O didn't want to do things exactly as he wanted to :). 

 The day after they left I had work with refugees - and again bad news. A young boy found out his family won't get permission to join him in Finland. It really drained me, I had of course hoped for a positive decision. I was so happy to be able to take D to his dad on Friday and have the weekend for myself. I really don't feel ready to handle "heavy matters" at work, nor the never ending stream of bad news that is washing over me. So many deaths, so many serious illnesses.

When I think back to the past ten years, there have been so many serious changes: beginning with my failed marriage and the divorce, my dad dying, the move and new beginning here at home, learning to work on freelance-basis with various new things, the birth of my son and being a single mother, taking care of my ailing mother (but also having her support and company) and now her death. So many deaths of my mother's friends and relatives, neighbours, my aunt. Dealing with the fact that now I really have to make it on my own - which right now is a scary thought, since things will have to change. I will need more work, since my job of taking care of my mother (which I was also paid a bit  for by the town) is gone. I had also built up our lives around the three of us, now I feel so bad for my son, the house will be so empty with just the two of us. I really hope I'll get my act together and be able to focus on him and come up with activities that'll make both of us happy.

 Next week D will be in daycare everyday, except Friday. It'll give me peace and quiet to start organizing things, both financial and my mothers clothes etc; dig into the negative decision by the immigration authorities and try to get my life back on some sort of a track. I guess this weekend is about just feeling sad, tired and hopeless - I really hope it'll be enough with one weekend, I'm scared about the lack of optimism I'm feeling right now. Normally I can always detect a sparkle deep inside, but right now I'm just low. I had hoped for a rainy weekend and that is just what I got, but now the sun is coming out and in the evening D comes home. Maybe I've managed to crawl out of my pit until that, think I'll try with some fresh air-therapy, I think that'll do my a lot of good right now. And maybe I'll manage to get into the "one-day-at-a -time" mood, that's all we can do and (oh, there is a bit of optimism after all :) - there is one positive things to look forward to before the  (usually) depressing autumn sets in - next Friday me, D, D's friend W and his mother will go on a cruise to Sweden from Helsinki :).

ps. In the evening: mood completely different after a bikeride, qigong in the garden, shower and berry picking.  Always easier when there are activities, but I think I needed to "scrape the bottom" before I could feel positive again.