July activities

Two days after the funeral I went to qigongcamp in Pietarsaari by the sea. Finally a chance to relax, let it all sink in and hopefully become more energetic. This was the seventh camp for me. I chose not to take part when my son was only a few months old and only took part in the daytime for two years when he was a baby. but it has for a long time been the place where I feel I can reload my batteries for the long winter. This year was no exception, but I was if possible even more tired than the previous years. During camp we trained from seven in the morning until ten at night (with food in between of course :), and I took a lot of time for myself to just try to sleep on the beach. On the second day old "traumas" rose to the surface and since I broke down in a group situation, I felt so terrible I actually thought about going home. But I guess sometime you have to let your ghosts rises to the surface and hopefully disappear for good. I didn't feel as "high" as before during camp, but when I drove home I noticed the effect was there - I felt so positive and in love with what I have. 

In the evening my dear friend K came to spend a few days with me. I was really glad to have someone to just sit and talk to. 

On Thursdays we had mutual friends over for lunch. 

On Frieday when she left we managed to squeeze in a visit to the creation of an artist. I love this place!

During the weekend I needed time for myself to remove the traces of the funeral and  make our home more into  our home again. On Monday a family from Sweden we met during our holiday in Turkey came to visit! It's funny the way things go - I had been worried about feeling lonely on a charter holiday with my son among "happy families", but instead D easily made friends with other children and made it easier for me as well to connect with their parents. This was the first time we actually managed to have a small bonfire in the garden and do the traditional sausage-grilling :).

D was so pleased to have a friend to play with for a few days - and I was happy about the company and  something to remind him of when he complains he doesn't have siblings - he wasn't happy the first day when O didn't want to do things exactly as he wanted to :). 

 The day after they left I had work with refugees - and again bad news. A young boy found out his family won't get permission to join him in Finland. It really drained me, I had of course hoped for a positive decision. I was so happy to be able to take D to his dad on Friday and have the weekend for myself. I really don't feel ready to handle "heavy matters" at work, nor the never ending stream of bad news that is washing over me. So many deaths, so many serious illnesses.

When I think back to the past ten years, there have been so many serious changes: beginning with my failed marriage and the divorce, my dad dying, the move and new beginning here at home, learning to work on freelance-basis with various new things, the birth of my son and being a single mother, taking care of my ailing mother (but also having her support and company) and now her death. So many deaths of my mother's friends and relatives, neighbours, my aunt. Dealing with the fact that now I really have to make it on my own - which right now is a scary thought, since things will have to change. I will need more work, since my job of taking care of my mother (which I was also paid a bit  for by the town) is gone. I had also built up our lives around the three of us, now I feel so bad for my son, the house will be so empty with just the two of us. I really hope I'll get my act together and be able to focus on him and come up with activities that'll make both of us happy.

 Next week D will be in daycare everyday, except Friday. It'll give me peace and quiet to start organizing things, both financial and my mothers clothes etc; dig into the negative decision by the immigration authorities and try to get my life back on some sort of a track. I guess this weekend is about just feeling sad, tired and hopeless - I really hope it'll be enough with one weekend, I'm scared about the lack of optimism I'm feeling right now. Normally I can always detect a sparkle deep inside, but right now I'm just low. I had hoped for a rainy weekend and that is just what I got, but now the sun is coming out and in the evening D comes home. Maybe I've managed to crawl out of my pit until that, think I'll try with some fresh air-therapy, I think that'll do my a lot of good right now. And maybe I'll manage to get into the "one-day-at-a -time" mood, that's all we can do and (oh, there is a bit of optimism after all :) - there is one positive things to look forward to before the  (usually) depressing autumn sets in - next Friday me, D, D's friend W and his mother will go on a cruise to Sweden from Helsinki :).

ps. In the evening: mood completely different after a bikeride, qigong in the garden, shower and berry picking.  Always easier when there are activities, but I think I needed to "scrape the bottom" before I could feel positive again.