Nightly account

On Monday I brought home my mother. She has been getting weaker and weaker. When my dad died in 2002 it came as a shock - he had been getting weaker and weaker, but since I then lived in Helsinki and didn't see him so often, I didn't really think about it, or the fact that at one point a person cannot get any weaker. Now I'm trying to be realistic, but it's hard, on the one hand I'm thinking "while there is life, there is hope" and don't want to be pessimistic, on the other hand my mother has a really sick heart, which has lasted amazingly long. She should've had an operation ages ago, but now it's too late. Since she wanted to come home as well, I thought I should do it now. I don't have so much work apart from writing, so I can take care of her. It's hard to even get her into the wheelchair from bed, her legs don't work very well any more either. Her breathing is heavy, but I'll try to keep her here as long as she wants it herself. At home on Monday night she teary-eyed said she so much wanted to get more time - to see D grow up. But I think we have to be grateful she got two more years - at the beginning of 2009 it really looked like she was going to leave us. She spent three months in hospital/the geriatric ward then, was unconscious for a week, but still made it back to life.

The first night at home now was bad, she had pains and couldn't sleep. Of course I had forgotten to bring her "nitro" tablets (to put under the tongue) next to her bed. So she had to ring for me - we have a doorbell by her bed and it rings upstairs where I sleep. I dread this sound because I never know what to find when I go down. Last time I found her sitting on the floor by her bed (that was about a month ago), last night I just needed to get her a pill. Up in bed I had a hard time falling asleep again. Suddenly I heard a loud bird noise - I was wondering if a flock had settled on the roof and got up to have a look (it was then about four o'clock am). Then it sounded like it came from downstairs! I rushed down to see - Fia, the cat, had brought in a "welcome-gift" to my mother, a young starling. It was a tough one, screaming and slipping out of my hands when I tried to catch it (I had thrown out the cats before that). Finally I managed to catch it and outside it actually managed to fly away - Fia made a huge jump to catch it, but was luckily about 30 centimeters away from the beginner at flying (took it some time to get air under its wings and go higher!). After that I soon fell asleep, thank God. Today my mother has been able to take naps and was looking a bit better towards the evening. I also gave her a bit of reiki - have to do what I can.

I actually felt rather energetic during the day. During the weekend when I was alone, I spent most of my time in bed with the newest Dan Brown. It was raining outside and I simply didn't want to do anything useful...but I read until four at night on Saturday, which wasn't so smart....I wonder if that has now set the pace for my nights, because at one thirty tonight I woke up. I wasn't sure if I had heard the bell, so I went down just in case and as far as I could see, my mother was sound asleep. After that I still couldn't sleep. After tossing and turning for almost three hours, I had to get up. There are so many things up in the air right now as well. Now I'm more tied to the house again and have to get "homeservice" for my mother if I'm away for a longer time (kind of nurses that check in if needed, is subsidized by the town, so it isn't very expensive, but I'm glad I haven't needed much of their services, since it takes a lot of planning). At the same time I don't know how long she is going to be home, or if she is even going to live for long. My cousin from south of Finland is planning to come and see her, just in case. I had planned to go see two of my teenage refugee boys in May (20/25 kms away), when my other jobs were done, but then I got the flu, and now I'm just too occupied with my mother. but I feel I should pay them some attention as well :(. There isn't anything special that needs to be done, but I should see them every now and then. The problem is that because of their school and hobbies, it should be in the evening and then I'm usually too tired. I prefer to do my work during the daytime...

I have signed up to be a "friend-family" (volunteer) for a refugee family from Afghanistan (has live in Iran for the past years), which arrives in Uusikaarlepyy (the town we belong to) on Friday. If my mother still is home then, I need to get homeservice to help her into bed in the evening. Then there are all the graduates on Saturday - who to "celebrate", who not to....I don't have any relatives graduating this year (from senior high school, big event), but a few of friend's children, who I'd like to bring a flower (or money, which I think is preferred :) on Saturday, when they have their receptions at home. But to be honest - Saturday feels like a long way away right now, when we are trying to take a day at a time. And how I'll get through tomorrow (today) with three hours of sleep....have to go and see if I can't get at least a few hours more. Fingers crossed!!