Getting back to normal....

I've still had problems settling into life....haven't felt comfortable to work at home, have felt anxiety and nervousness. I complained on facebook about the lack of flow in my life and was immediately reminded by friends there to go within. I'm in the lucky position that I could actually listen to the advice - I switched off the phone, went upstairs to my guestroom (previously office), lit some candles, put on some calming music and tried to meditate. Also had a look at my tarot cards - and found my way back "in" again. Calmed, in other words, down. On Thursday qigong-practise began in the evening and that felt very good - I've actually done some of the exercises in the morning - have gotten back into the habit of getting to bed early and waking up at 5.30...which I don't like, I don't need to get up that early, especially not now when it doesn't get light until about seven. A few weeks ago it was ok to go for a walk before D woke up, but I don't want to walk in the dark. 

Last weekend I went to the south of Finland to see the man I met on the cruise. The weekend was both good and bad - it's not so easy at this age, with the baggage we both have, to trust each other, to adjust....so at this moment I don't know where we actually stand. Also if I'm going to continue seeing him, I need to adjust my rhythm, he works nights and has a hard time getting into another kind of rhythm during the weekends. I joked we are a bit like two characters from a Finnish children's song: "Päivänsäde ja Mennikäinen" (about a creature living in the daylight meeting another creature who cannot stand the light, but lives in the night :) . I have recognized I have so many fears connected to men - I have all these dramas going on in my head, that have nothing to do with this man. On the other hand, I don't know him either yet. After last weekend I also noticed that I had once again let a man be the center of my universe - which is not a good thing, either for a relationship or myself. So I think I've moved back into myself now, enjoying what I have without him. 

The really positive thing is that I've found a group of divorced women who sometimes meet. I was able to attend a "gathering/party/ last night for a few hours (my son was home this weekend) and I'm so happy to know that I have someone to contact if i'm alone during a weekend. In the summer I thought I'd be tired for a long time - the intense weeks after my mother's funeral, with friends and the trip, erased to tiredness and now I want ACTION when I'm off :). And I don't have enough work to keep me busy - or, maybe I should be honest, I haven't been able to focus on the jobs that require my own activity and creativity. On Friday I for the first time felt like I was getting into a good rhythm, teaching at first (English) for two hours, then two interviews for local tv (which has now started after the long summer break). I also notice I now have the energy to get in touch with friends I haven't been in touch with for a long time. 

Jeppo was visited by a circus from Germany. I took one of my ex-"guardian children" to the circus, together with her children and D. It was really enjoyable, not always perfect, but authentic :). 

During the pause the children could ride the horses.

Love this picture, but I'm also aware of weirdos (took me some time to be able to block out certain parts and didn't notice the spelling error until after....)....