Puuuh!!

Dagen började dåligt - insåg att de ställen jag väntade på lön ifrån hade numret till mitt gamla konto, som jag avslutade då jag blev mammaledig. Men det hjälpte ju inte, kontot lyser tomt. Tack o lov fick jag ihopskrapat tillräckligt från våra konton så det räckte till visaräkningen, och nu funkar visat hoppeligen igen.....Satt redan och snyftade, var så trött på alla pengaproblem och annat (orkar inte förklara, men har att göra med byrokrati och en traktor jag sålde för några år sedan - de rätta pappren blev inte ifyllda då, suck). Insåg att jag kanske nu verkligen börjar inse vad det är att vara ensamförsörjare. Andra mammor med barn i samma ålder börjar kunna göra mera saker t.ex på kvällarna, eftersom pappan kan vara med barnet. För mig går det nästan i andra riktningen, fast vi får se. Vet inte riktigt hur det blir, om mommo alls kan vara ensam med D efter att han börjar röra på sig mera.

Kanske det ordnar sig, så har det ju hela tiden gjort hittills också. Orkar lite se positivt igen på saker och ting, för jag fick ett samtal, som inte hade dåliga nyheter att bringa! Har oroat mig för hur jag ska lyckas hitta barnvakter till timmarna jag är borta och undervisar - med ens fixades redan hälften av gångerna! U-S - du räddade verkligen min dag. TACK!!!

Taking it easy

Oups, many days have passed since I last wrote. I have basically devoted my time to myself and D - to rest and be as lazy as possible. Since it has been so cold for quite some time, I haven't spent much time outside, and neither has D. Now when it's warmer, I've tried to find time to be outside everyday - preferably to also combine it with visits to friends. So we are leading quite uneventful lives right now, and I'm very, very pleased to have it that way. The worst exhaustion has disappeared, but I'm trying to build up a bit of a reserve, since I have to start teaching next week. It'll only be for a few hours once a week, but there will be work to do at home, babysitters to organize and also some work with tv, so I suspect it'll be a busy time again. I wish I hadn't promised to do it, but then again the money will come in very handy. My visa stopped working at the beginning of this month, since I went over the limit in January...it has been a tough month moneywise, but next month should be a bit brighter already.


Ds development is so exciting to follow right now. He actually moves forward a bit, but it's a kind of wormstyle - bum up in the air, and elbows do the job to pull him forward. He is also getting to be more and more independent at the table, now he can use the spoon himself, and actually getting food into the mouth as well (+ a lot of other places :). Changing diapers has been a struggle, since he always seem to want to be on his stomach then, but suddenly I noticed when I told him to turn over, that he actually was happy to do that! Right now I'm upset with my mother - found her in the old bathroom this morning about to take a shower. Seems to be a case of old dogs finding it hard to break old habits.

ps. New photo in the profile isn't exactly new - taken many wrinkles ago (about 3-4 years), but I have no representable now one of myself so it'll have to do for the time being.

Eager learner

D is so eager to practice moving about (still not moving forward, but in all other directions...) that he can hardly wait to wake up in the morning. I take him into bed for his first sip of milk around 5-6 (supposed to be after 6, but his stomach isn't so exact), but he has had a few mornings when he has had problems falling asleep again. Yesterday he was so cute when he woke up around 8, his head came up (he has now fallen asleep on his stomach a few times in the morning, has never happened before) and even if he could hardly keep them open, he started moving towards the books and magazines I have in the vacant space in my bed. I still get very tired in the afternoon, and if he doesn't sleep long, I take him into bed and he can "read" his books and play with his toys, while I rest beside him. Life has been calm for the past days, I'm pottering about at home. On Mondaynight I went to the gym for the first time in weeks (my back felt so much better the next morning!) - and D was at a friend's house meanwhile. This was the first time he was somewhere else without me (apart from the meetings with his dad) - it was a bit exciting (for me...), but he seems to have passed the stage when he is afraid of "strangers", so I thought it was ok for 1,5 hours. It'll probably be a bit easier to find babysitters when I can start taking him to their places, instead of everyone having to come to our house.

Welcome spring

There's a saying that on the 20th of January you're suppose to clear out Xmas...I missed that date this year - the last sign of Xmas was "thrown out" on Saturday.

We got a lot of snow on Saturday night, now it's cold and sunny. Beautiful. I feel more peaceful inside - I truly hope for calm and harmony in the weeks to come. And I feel positive about the fact that it's actually going to be that way. Soon my favorite season is here as well - spring!

ps. thanks to my "supportgroup" for the wonderful reikisession yesterday!

Stupid tools

Now the bathroom is basically finished - probably in April I'll get a bathtub. I almost gave up - everything was so slow, partly due to the fact that something was missing or broke all the time. When I wanted to drill holes for knobs, the drill gave up...but managed to find a better one and finish it on Friday. I've learnt a lot about renovation, but I hope I won't have to use that knowledge for a very, very long time.....

Vilken vecka

...och den är inte slut än. Har varit jättetrött mitt på dagen varje dag, lite bättre nu mot slutet, eftersom jag slutat vakna många gånger per natt (oberoende av D). Är det någon som har bra tips på hormonsvängningar? Jag tycks vara helt upp och ner dagen då "rokovikån" börjar (ja, det kom tillbaka på julafton :( , känner mig uppsvälld, gråtig och hyperkänslig. Denna vecka fick jag samtidigt argt mail av Mr X - och nu är vi i fullt gräl. Det är meningen att han ska träffa D idag, jag vet inte om han kommer, hans sista mail igårkväll var några mycket otryckbara ord. På ett sätt lättade det på trycket för mig - jag föredrar ordentligt gräl än elaka kommentarer och pikar i det oändliga. Men det känns igen som att få en visdomstand utdragen att gå till mötet - och hur ska inte allt detta påverka D?! Det har fortsatt så länge nu, och tycks bara bli värre. Men vidare måste man, kan inte annat än tänka att kanske nu - om all skit har kommit fram nu, kanske, kanske vi kan gå vidare.

ps: senare: puuuh. Satte meddelande i morse där jag undrade om vi inte kunde sluta med grälen och pikarna och koncentrera oss på det väsentliga: hans träffar med D. Och allt gick bra! Ds period av rädsla för andra tycks ha gått över, och Mr X och jag var hur vettiga som helst! Och nu är det en månad tills nästa gång. Hurra!

View from bathroom window

When we use the new toilet we can nowadays watch the birdlife outside at the same time :).

Busy day

Igår var det jobbdag igen - några intervjuer för lokaltv. Samtidigt fick byarådet gäst från USA, borgmästaren i Halfway kommer att tillbringa tre dagar i byn. Han och vi byarådsmedlemmar hörs faktiskt i intervju på radion om ca tjugo minuter. Körde runt med honom och på kvällen var det pizza med bysbor på det lokala cafét. Hade D med så jag skulle slippa oroa mig - det gick fantastiskt bra, han hade många famnar att sitta i och jag fick både äta och prata med andra. Fick också riktigt skratt-terapi då "tant M" läste åt D - oj vad det var skönt, har skrattat alltför lite de senaste månaderna. På lördag ska Mr X och Ms Y träffa D (ännu ett spänningsmoment denna vecka) - efter det hoppas jag på en månad av lugn, ro, positiva händelser och människor...och ett välstädat hem :). Glad vändag till alla mina vänner!

On all fours!

Exhausted

I guess with things finally coming to an end; the renovation (plumber was here Fri-Sat), the contract (but the relationship still bad - I have had no word since my own message) - my body feels it can finally say something as well. And it says: I'm in pain, I need more energy, better food, more sleep, preferably some treatment - massage, pampering. In other words, I have been feeling exhausted. There isn't so much left to do in the bathroom - D actually had his bath there on Saturday night, but there is so little time to do it. D has more or less refused to spend time with grandma, only mummy is good enough, and she shouldn't be doing anything else but focus on him! Like yesterday - I had just started to put silicone around the cupboard etc when grandma comes to say D is awake and crying. Silicone is something that needs to be evened out straight away, but I had no choice but to leave it. I had also hoped to be able to do a lot when he sleeps in the afternoon, but I was stupid enough to take him outside, since it wasn't too cold, the sun was shining, and I also wanted a bit of fresh air. Unfortunately I didn't realize he was too tired - he fell asleep in the sledge (pulka) - had to try to put him in the pram and hope for the best. But it's just impossible, he won't sleep on his own outside - he slept for a bit more than quarter of an hour, I barely had time for a shower (in the new bathroom - but had to be careful about the silicones...) when he already woke up. It wasn't until a few hours of several attempts that he decided to sleep for half an hour more.

I was so tired yesterday and desperate for not being able to do anything, while at the same time so tired I just wanted to sleep. I had hoped to finally have a Sunday for rest, but since most of Saturday was spent running around in shops finding things for the bathroom, there was no time for cleaning or working on the two new rooms, and since everything everywhere is a mess, that makes me feel even more stress......

I happened to see part of a program on tv about dieting. An Englishlady was the dietcoach and checked out the tongue of the obese couple. I decided to have a look at my tongue - and wasn't at all happy about what I saw: cracks, covered in white stuff, with small red "pimples" - disgusting!! It spoke loud and clear that I'm not in good shape.

I guess it's partly because last week was bad, D had some restless nights, but so did I. I seem to wake up now many times without D making any noise, I think it is stressrelated. But D also wakes up several nights - I think it is mainly his stomach, which is causing problems. Last week he had a check-up, and had actually lost 100 grams, which is not good. He is now 75,5 cms, 8,7 kilos. I think I should've made "heavier" food for him, now I've probably started to do that a bit too abruptly for his stomach.


D is up on his knees and hands now, thank God (haven't been able to catch it on camera yet :) . I've been worried that he'll never learn to get up, all of his "mates" are already crawling around, also those younger than him. I guess this new phase in his developement makes him restless. If only the house had been ready so I could've spent my energies on him now. I want to thoroghly clean everything, get rid of the renovation dust and at the same time make the rooms "babysecure". I read somewhere that you should crawl throught your apartment to find out where the dangers lie - I might do that!


This has been such a whining post, but it can't be helped, I'm tired, tired, tired, close to tears now and then. Still, D is also my joy and strength, when I focus on him. I felt so proud last night when one of the godmothers, who had popped in, was about to leave and D actually wawed bye-bye. So far it has only been grandma who gets a "royal wave" in the night when we go upstairs to bed. He has also started to say "mummummum" - and is quite generous with his wet kisses when he is in the mood. I have to focus on theses things, have patience with a the half-finished things and think about how wonderful it's going to be when everything is in order (then it'll "only" be a matter of keeping it that way :) .

Teletubbies

Var det inte så att teletubbies var lämpligt och omtyckt av de riktigt små? Om någon av er här i närheten råkar ha en video med dem, skulle jag få låna den i såfall?

Getting there

In a way I had a good night when I last wrote - could finally read the papers in peace and quiet, but I wasn't able to sleep until about 6.30 in the morning, until the electrician came a bit after 8. It's amazing that I didn't feel dead in the daytime - but obviously the two hours I slept before D woke up helped - and last night was, thank God, uneventful, D slept from 8.30 to almost 7! I've gotten into a bad habit of waking up around 4.30, but fell easily asleep again. Yesterday I also called the dad, left a message on the answering machine, and I hope he will now realize that I'm trying to meet his demands as far as possible, but D's needs are number one, and my opinion should count as well. The situation felt so much like a knot, I needed to do something to open it a bit, now I feel relief, I think I did the right thing, now I can finally have a bit of peace in my mind and concentrate on my family's life.

It's incredibly cold here - - 31 degrees Celsius every morning! There are probably a lot of emergencies with waterpipes etc so I'm not expecting the plumber to turn up soon - but now he is the only person who is needed to finish the bathroom. I almost feel like cheering....

Anxiety hour

D woke up a bit after midnight, crying. Pacifier didn't help, had to take him up and walk with him, calm him down. Twice. Don't know what it is, maybe the changing of routines, for three days now he has skipped his morning nap, only slept in the afternoon. But yesterday he only slept for one hour in the day (-31 degrees celsius outside in the morning, so I did not take him out at all...), and was exhausted in the evening. On the other hand he has also shown promising attempts at crawling - not exactly doing it yet, but lifting his bum much more often and moving forward a bit like a crocodile (is that why crocodiles seem to be such popular toys, even if I can't quite see the "cuteness" in the live ones...?). Maybe this new dawning knowledge of movement is a bit frightening for him? Or maybe it is me, and my uneasy feelings ever since the meeting on Monday? Or maybe all of it together. Anyway, after he finally fell asleep again, I couldn't sleep.

I've sat for two hours soon and written my heart out...all the anxiety and all the hurt I've felt since August about the situation with Mr X and Ms Y. Thank God I have good friends. One particularly good one, very level-headed and brave (tells me off when she thinks I need it :), who has been there for me for over twenty years, now has the doubtful honor of receiving the letter I wanted to send to Mr X. Because now I do realise it might not be such a smart thing to send it to him, he has his own hurt feelings and cannot see mine. Anyway, I've made a decision tonight, one that I think I need to tell him about. I'll try to go to bed now, I hope I'll be able to get some sleep. If it still feels like a good idea tomorrow morning ,he'll have a short note from me later in the day. I had planned to go to the mother-baby-meeting at the congregation tomorrow (haven't been there since early autumn...), but I suspect I will be too tired tomorrow to be able to go. Sigh. Well, they'll be there all Wednesdays, all spring, maybe a day will come when I'm not too tired, or too busy or preoccupied, to be able to go there and simply enjoy the company of other mothers and their children. I'm sure D would enjoy it, but unfortunately, he'll have to wait for me to find the right day, the right time. Good night - I hope!

ps. my cousin finished his bit of the renovation today, the electrician came - but didn't finish yet. The plumber actually turned up in the evening with the actual "water closet" - where you sit to do your business...he said he might come tomorrow/today to instal it (unless there is an emergancy somewhere due to the cold weather). Dare I hope the renovation would actually be finished by the end of THIS week....?
ps2: anyone think I should change the photo up right to a more fresh one, more suited to the season...... :)?

Contract!

Today was the day when the contract about the meetings was supposed to be drawn up. I strongly felt is was one of those moments you really wish you didn't have to experience, but you have no choice but to face it and hope you come out alive at the other end. I guess it was ok, we have a contract until May - based on the dad's suggestion (based on what I have said before). But he wasn't happy - there were a few heated sentences said at the end and both stomped from the office without exchanging any more words. I'm just going to try to forget about him, I know I haven't done anything wrong in trying to make circumstances as good as possible for D. He has a right to meet his dad, and the bigger he gets, the less I need to worry about him feeling insecure. Am I being overly protective when I feel that it is not ok to leave the child immediately with a person he is afraid of (according to the father I am)? I'm thinking while D gets bigger, he will get back to the way he was before - smiling at almost everyone immediately - now he is rather cautious with almost everyone at first, might even start to cry if someone picks him up before he has "warmed up".

As long as he behaves like this, I like to be there for him to help him get acquainted - no matter who it is he feels this way about.

Tomorrow things MIGHT happen in the bathroom - my cousin promised to come and finish his bit, and the electricians are supposed to come...let's see. Keep your fingers crossed!

Renovation-news

The wall above the stove, before and after I painted it - quite pleased with it (in the homecare room)!

No electricians, no plumber yet, but I tried to psyche myself into a calmer mood, it WILL be finished at some point, now I can just take it slowly with cleaning and carrying in cupboards and starting to slowly fill them. The urgency I felt disappeared almost entirely when I was able to clean the house. The guy who put in the tiles and linoleums had so much stuff with him, it filled up the hall and the rooms being worked on.

D has been a bit fed up with spending so much time with grandma in the daytime, when I have been working in the rooms. I guess the teething had its part in it as well - I think the second "cornertooth" (ah canine tooth, according to the dictionary...) has also popped out now. So now when most of the dust and stuff has been cleaned out, he can accompany me while I'm working. This was yesterday evening, looking into the bathroom, from the homecareroom (where the stove is, down left outside the photo...) . Ah, and he is 9 months old today!

Early morning

D has been a bit cranky and restless for the past week. One reason: new tooth! Now he has five! Three up front and two down front.

Äh, nu orkar jag inte med engelskan :). D har sovit rätt bra, har i allafall inte behövt stiga upp på natten, men första morgonmålet (mammas bröst, och i hennes säng...) har sakta segat sig tidigare och tidigare. Först var det kvart före sex (då jag inte mera orkade vyssja till sömns så nära "deadline"), de senaste morgnarna har det redan varit halv sex. Igår var spännande för D - vi var på babyrytmik. D börjar ju bli lite stor, men tack och lov fanns bebisar från två månader till femton månader. Jag hoppas han fick mall på krypandet av en babysimpolare, som också fanns på plats (två veckor äldre än D). Annars var det också trevligt att träffa mammor och sjunga sånger. Är själv urusel på att komma ihåg ord till sånger, så på detta sätt kanske min repertoar blir lite mera varierande här hemma också. Jag gissade att det nya skulle märkas i natt, och jag hade rätt. D somnade bra, men när jag själv gick i säng elva (ville lite koppla av framför dumburken då det ju var fredag. Skulle ha velat se Irina Björklund i Jstad spela på såg, men kvällsnöjen får ännu vänta, tv:n fick duga) vaknade han och jag fick ta upp honom, nappen räckte inte till. Kvart över fyra vaknade han igen, och eftersom nappen hade försvunnit in i sovpåsens svarta hål fick jag springa ner och hämta en till. Han lugnade sig, men suckade och svängde sig i över en halv timme, så min sömn var förstörd (och nu är det också fullmåne...), fast han sen somnade. Nu är klockan sex och jag hör honom igen. Over and out...

Slowly getting there

Last time I wrote I was really stressed out, mainly about the renovation, but it felt like everything was piling up on me again. Now I feel slightly better...the planning of the Englishlessons went well and the linoleums and tiles are finished. Yesterday evening I could clear up the porch and homecareroom from most of the paintbuckets, wood etc debris and was actually able to see the floor for the first time in about two weeks. Felt wonderful to come down the stairs without tripping over boxes of nails or tiles! But, the bathroom is still not finished. I had my first real melt down yesterday (tears!) when I found out my cousin couldn't put up the cupboards in the bathroom, because the plumber needs to put in the waterpipes first - and my cousin had been very cranky, complaining about the long drive to our place, so I thought he wouldn't come anymore. I thought I'd be stuck with a half-finished room for the rest of the year, since I couldn't think of anyone else who could help me with the woodwork. But in the end he promised to come later and finish what needs to be done. Now I can start to furnish the homecareroom, once the electricity will be installed (I'm expecting them today...). I also look forward to being able to think about other things than the renovation!!!